Class  of  1900  Fund 


'  ; 


OF   THE 

UNIVERSE 


THE  MAXIMS  OF 

METHUSELAH 

Being  the  Advice  given  by  the  Patriarch 

in  his  Nine  Hundred  Sixty  and  Ninth 

Year  to  his  Great  Grandson 

at  Shem's  Coming  of  Age 

IN  REGARD    TO    WOMEN 

BY 

GELETT  BURGESS 

Author  of  "  Are  You  a 
Bromide?"  "The  Burgess 
Nonsense  Book, "etc., etc. 

With  Illustrations,  Decorations,  and 
Cover  Design  by  Loafs  D.  Fane 


OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY 


NEW  YORK 
FREDERICK   A.   STOKES   COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  1903,  1904,  1905,  1906,  1907 
By  The  Ess  Ess  Publishing  Co. 

Copyright,  1907 


By  Frederick  A.  Stokes  Co. 


October,  1907 


Permission  has  been  kindly  granted  by  the 
Editors  of  "  The  Smart  Set  "  for  the  publi 
cation  of  such  Maxims  as  have  appeared  in 
that  magazine. 


7 


The  University  Press,  Cambridge,  U.S.A. 


LIST    OF    ILLUSTRATIONS 

Methuselah  instructeth  Shem     .    .     .     ...  .     .Frontispiece 

I  counsel  thee,  introduce  not  female  contem 
poraries  one  to  another ;  '  .  Facing  page     22 

The  sun  must  not  see  what  the  moon  seeth    .  Facing  page     48 

The   damsel   yearneth    for   chivalry,    but    the 

matron   desireth    impertinence Facing  page     79 


Authorship 


INTRODUCTION 


of  the  Maxims 


THE  following  is,  so  far  as  I  know, 
the    only   authentic   rendering   into 
the  English  language  of  the  three 
hundred  and  thirty  parables  attributed 
to  Methuselah.     The  authorship  of  these 
precepts  was  first  traced  to   the   aged 
patriarch   by  the   cabalists,   after  having 
found  by  a  transposition  of  the  letters  of 
his  name  the  anagram,  "  he  who  prophe 
sied  in  parables."  l 

Of  its  origin,  the  book,  although  freely 
rendered  into  the  idiom  of  the  hour,  still 
bears  intrinsic  evidence  of  having  been 
compiled  by  one  who  had  had  extraordi 
nary  experience  with  women.  The  amor 
ous  expert  will  not  find  it  hard  to  believe 
that  nine  hundred  and  sixty-nine  years 
would  be  none  too  short  a  time  for  any 
one  man  to  have  accumulated  such  a  pro 
found  lore.  Indeed,  women  tell  us  that 

»  Fabricius,  I.  p.  325. 


The  Patriarch's 


INTRODUCTION 


Sense  of  Humot 


the  present  span  of  life  is  entirely  too 
brief  for  any  ordinary  man  to  obtain  the 
slightest  comprehension  of  the  extreme 
complexity  of  feminine  psychology.  Men 
live  and  die  without  having  acquired  the 
rudiments  of  its  categories.  Methuselah 
himself,  despite  his  unrivalled  opportu 
nities  for  investigation,  could  hardly  have 
formulated  so  exhaustive  a  hand-,  or, 
shall  we  say,  heart-book,  without  some 
help  from  his  contemporaries. 

Moreover,  that  the  author  of  these 
Maxims  had  what  passes  for  humor  is 
plainly  apparent  from  the  jocosity  of 
many  of  his  verses,  and  this  must  be 
reckoned  with  in  adjudicating  Methuse 
lah's  claims  to  the  honor.  The  patriarch 
undoubtedly  had  a  dry  wit,  as  historical 
evidence  proves.  Colin  de  Plancy,  who 
says  that  "  every  word  that  fell  from  his 
lips  was  superlatively  perfect,"  narrates 
a  legend  of  the  patriarch  showing  this. 

On  his  five  hundredth  birthday,  Me 
thuselah,  having  lived  out-of-doors  all 
his  life,  was  visited  by  an  angel,  who 
advised  him  to  build  himself  a  house. 


INTRODUCTION 


"  How  much  longer  have  I  to  live?"  the 
old  man  inquired.  "  About  five  hundred 
years,"  replied  the  visitant.  "  Oh,  well, 
then,"  said  Methuselah,  "  I  hardly  think 
it 's  worth  while  for  me  to  bother  myself, 
just  for  that  little  while  !  "  l 

Regarding  the  origin  of  the  text,  a  few 
words  may  prove  interesting  to  the 
reader.  While  excavating  several  Roman 
sarcophagi  of  the  second  century,  on  my 
estate  of  Li  Trouvailloux  in  Provence,  I 
came  upon  some  twenty  slate  tablets  cov 
ered  with  weather-worn  cuneiform  in 
scriptions.  They  had  evidently  been 
buried  with  the  ashes  of  some  centuricn, 
or,  perhaps,  had  merely  been  hidden  in  his 
grave.  I  do  not,  myse.lf,  read  either  Assy 
rian  or  Babylonian  in  the  cuneiform,  but 
my  rendering  has  been  made  from  a  literal 
translation  in  which  I  have  the  greatest 
confidence ;  and,  where  the  characters 
proved  undecipherable,  either  from  the 
erosion  of  time  or  my  assistant's  inexperi 
ence,  I  have  not  hesitated  to  supply  the 
deficiency  of  the  records  with  what  I 

1  Colin  de  Plancy,  p.  102. 


The  Flood  postponed 


INTRODUCTION 


for  Seven  Days 


would  myself  have  said  had  I  had  the 
patriarch's  felicitous  advantages.  With 
these  important  exceptions,  a  thorough 
investigation  of  the  Talmud  and  other 
sources  has  compelled  me  to  believe 
that  these  Maxims  are  beyond  peradven- 
ture  the  original  Parables  spoken  of  by 
Fabricius. 

Granted,  then,  that  the  patriarch  was 
the  author,  how  came  these  precious  tab 
lets  to  find  a  resting-place  so  far  from  the 
land  of  giants,  where  they  were  undoubt 
edly  written  ?  In  answer  to  this  natural 
question,  I  have  to  offer  the  following 
ingenious  theory. 

Amongst  other  curious  fables,  it  will  be 
recalled  by  students  of  the  lesser-known 
Oriental  literatures  that  Methuselah  died 
upon  the  day  set  for  the  inauguration  of 
the  Flood,  which  was  postponed  for  seven 
days  that  men  might  mourn  the  patriarch 
fittingly  for  a  due  season.1  Eusebius,2  it 
is  true,  places  his  death  fifteen  years 

1  The  Midrash,  fol.  12 ;  so  also  Targum  of  Palestine  (Ethe- 
ridge),  I.  p.  179. 

8  Chron.  Graec.,  ed.  Scaliger,  Lugd.  Batav.  1606,  p.  4. 


History  of  Shem 


INTRODUCTION 


His  Disappearance 


STV*7 

I/ 


fig 


afterward,  but  as  he  does  not  state  where 
the  patriarch  found  refuge  while  the  waters 
covered  the  earth,  his  authority  .may  be 
discredited.  General  opinion  follows  the 
Midrash.  Rabbi  Solomon  asserts  that 
Methuselah  died  seven  days  before  the 
Deluge,  and  the  Pirke  of  Rabbi  Eliezer  as 
well  as  the  Jahut  confirm  his  testimony. 
As  these  Maxims,  prepared  for  the  guid 
ance  of  Shem,  were  delivered  just  before 
Methuselah's  death,  this  postponement 
of  the  cataclysm  gave  the  young  man 
ample  time  during  which  to  insure  their 
safe  deposit  in  the  ark. 

Now,  curiously  enough,  the  Scriptures 
do  not  chronicle  the  death  of  Shem,  al 
though  the  statement  is  made  that  he  lived 
for  five  hundred  years  after  begetting  Ar- 
phaxad.  According  to  Eisenmenger,1 
he  was  given  the  name  Melchizedek,  and 
the  Rabbi  Gerson  reports  seeing  his  last 
resting-place  in  the  land  of  Og,  king  of 
Bashan,  in  a  grave  eighty  ells  long.2  But 
other  Talmudic  legends  narrate  that  he, 

1   Eisenmenger,  I.  pp.  318-319. 
»  Ibid.,  p.  395- 


Climate  of  Aries 


INTRODUCTION 


Writings  of  Shem 


with  his  brothers,  Cell  asleep  in  a  cave 
and  did  not  awake  till  the  nativity,  when 
Shem,  Ham,  and  Japhet  appeared  as  the 
three  Wise  Men  of  the  East. 

Leaving  this  repository  with  the 
brothers,  after  many  years  of  hiding,  this 
story  would  reasonably  account  for  the 
presence  of  Methuselah's  tablets  in  Pales 
tine,  from  which  place  they  were  undoubt 
edly  taken  by  the  Romans  at  the  fall  of 
Jerusalem,  and  no  doubt  coming  into  the 
possession  of  some  influential  general 
were  carried  by  him  into  Southern  Gaul. 
The  fact  that  the  city  of  Aries  (near  which 
the  tablets  were  found)  has  always  been 
famous  for  its  beautiful  women  is  highly 
suggestive,  for  the  use  of  such  informa 
tion  as  the  text  supplied  would  be  highly 
useful  to  any  man  who  might  settle  in 
such  a  locality. 

Eleven  apocryphal  writings  of  Shem  are 
known  to  exist,  but  I  have  been  able  to 
find  no  definite  mention  of  these  Maxims 
in  them  to  corroborate  my  theory. 

Fable  welds  another  link  in  the  chain 
which  binds  the  oldest  man  to  the  book. 


thuselah's  Courage 


INTRODUCTION 


Pre-Adamiie  Man 


m 


Methuselah  had  a  sword  inscribed  with 
the  "  Incommunicable  Name,"  Schem 
Hammphorasch,  with  which  he  slayed  a 
thousand  devils.1  The  symbolism  that 
convicts  this  lady  killer  is  patent.  Even 
if  we  take  the  statement  literally,  this 
proof  of  courage  is  not  unworthy  of  one 
willing  to  antagonize  the  whole  female 
sex  by  the  unblushing  impertinence  of 
his  Maxims.  Ab  alto  exspedes,  alteri  quod 
feceris. 

As  regards  the  women  from  whom 
Methuselah  derived  his  knowledge,  his 
tory  and  tradition  show  that  he  had  a 
wide  field  for  investigation.  Besides 
the  Land  of  Nod,  Uz,  and  the  countries 
watered  by  the  four  rivers  which  flowed 
from  Eden,2  the  pre-Adamite  theory  ex 
ploited  by  Isaac  de  Peyreira  in  1655  would 
account  for  many  more  opportunities. 
The  Oriental  book  of  Huschenk-Nameh, 
speaks  of  a  race  prior  to  the  creation  of 
Genesis,  located  upon  the  Isle  of  Mus- 
cham,  one  of  the  Maldives.  They  had 

1  Eisenmenger,  I.  p.  651. 

2  Genesis  ii.  10. 


, 

•*•»•/ 

II 


LiLitk's  Career 


INTRODUCTION 


A  Manual  needed 


flat  heads,  and  were  governed  by  a  King 
Dambac,  who  submitted  to  Adam  when 
he  was  expelled  from  the  Garden  of  Eden. 

Yet  another  authority  lies  in  the  Book 
of  Genesis  itself,  for  the  double  account 
of  the  creation  of  woman  in  Chapters  I 
and  II  is  by  many  supposed  to  indicate  a 
double  creation.  According  to  the  Tal 
mud,  Adam's  first  wife,  Lilith,  was  cast 
out  of  Paradise,  and,  marrying  with  Eblis, 
the  Prince  of  Darkness, became  the  mother 
of  the  Djinns,  or  phantoms,  to  whose  influ 
ence  Solomon  owed  his  magical  power. 

Greatly  as  the  subject  of  feminine  psy 
chology  and  emotion  has  interested  phi 
losophers  of  all  ages,  their  writings  have 
been  chiefly  tentative  and  analytical, 
rather  than  constructive.  Woman's  ways 
have  been  avidly  discussed,  even  smiled 
at;  but,  except  for  these  Maxims,  no  sci 
entific  attempt  has  been  made  to  embody 
in  an  organized  manual  man's -discoveries 
in  relation  to  women.  Rules  for  the  guid 
ance  of  youth  are  much  needed,  however, 
and  an  instructive  and  specific  text-book 
for  the  proper  understanding  and  manage- 


Experience  useless 


INTRODUCTION 


Women  of  Eid 


ment  of  the  fair  sex  should  be  in  the  pos 
session  of  every  young  man  desiring  to  at 
tain  proficiency  in  this  greatest  of 'all  arts. 
The  failure  of  experience  to  teach  men  is 
notorious  ;  how  much  more  futile  is  it  to 
expect  the  callow  youth  to  learn  by  mere 
experiment,  in  a  series  of  disastrous  and 
pathetic  essays !  No,  woman  must  be 
taken  a  priori  or  not  at  all ;  we  must  have 
some  definite  principle  or  hypothesis 
upon  which  to  proceed  in  our  love-making. 
Failure  after  failure  has  brought  this  fact 
home  to  most  men,  who,  even  if  married, 
are  still  ignorant  of  the  action  and  reaction, 
in  the  feminine,  of  cause  and  effect. 

Refined  or  crude  as  the  patriarch's  cate 
gories  may  be  (and  it  seems  evident  that 
Methuselah  gained  the  bulk  of  his  knowl 
edge  from  the  commonest  types  of  woman 
hood,  no  doubt  the  factory  girls  of  the 
great  brick  foundries  of  the  Euphrates), 
his  principle  of  classification  is  sufficiently 
scientific.  Naturalists,  in  segregating 
species  and  varieties,  must  rely  upon  dif 
ferences  of  less  anatomical  significance 
than  their  selection  would,  at  first  sight, 


Women  «PS.  Men 


INTRODUCTION 


Women  s  Weakness 


imply.  In  the  same  way,  women  do  not 
differ  from  men  in  the  larger  characteris 
tics  of  honor,  generosity,  unselfishness, 
and  sapience  —  unless,  indeed,  the  modern 
woman  has,  in  the  impetus  of  her  mental 
emancipation,  outrun  man,  and,  becoming 
more  idealistic,  has  attained  a  positive 
superiority.  At  any  rate,  it  may  be  safely 
held  that  men  and  women  are  more  alike 
the  higher  they  are  cultured,  and  the  dif 
ferences  between  the  two  must  be  looked 
for  in  mere  trivialities.  And  Methuselah's 
justification  for  the  light  he  has  thrown 
upon  woman's  frailty  lies  in  the  fact  that, 
after  all,  we  love  our  friends  as  often  be 
cause  of  as  in  spite  of  their  faults.  No 
man  would  have  women  less  inconsistent, 
less  whimsical ;  these  are  the  charms 
that,  if  they  amuse,  endear. 

Even  the  curious  fact  that  what  is  uni 
versally  true  of  women  is  universally 
funny  also  did  not  escape  such  a  shrewd 
observer  as  Methuselah.  Woman  is, 
unfortunately,  characterized  chiefly  by 
her  weaknesses ;  and  this  fact  is  the 
basis  of  much  of  our  modern  humor. 


LoreofLiltth 


INTRODUCTION 


Gospel  of  Eve 


Not  that  men  are  not  as  weak  or  as  per 
verse,  but  their  faults  for  some  reason 
have  never  attained  any  real  literary 
value  in  the  eyes  of  the  comic  muse. 
There  are  legends  pointing  to  the  fact 
that  Adam's  first  wife  compiled  a  vol 
ume  of  reflections  upon  man's  foibles  and 
methods,  under  the  name  of  "The  Lore 
of  Lilith,"  and  that  a  "Gospel  of  Eve" 
existed  in  the  time  of  Saint  Epiphanius 
is  evidenced  by  his  mention  of  it  as  hav 
ing  been  in  great  repute  amongst  the 
Gnostics.1  The  Mussulmans  also  attrib 
ute  to  her  a  book  of  prophesies  which 
it  would  be  most  interesting  to  substan 
tiate.2  But  however  just  these  may 
have  been  in  their  estimate  of  man's 
typical  qualities,  and  though  scathing 
they  undoubtedly  were,  it  is  doubtful  if 
either  of  them  could  ever  be  accounted  as 
a  humorous  book.  It  was  no  doubt  the 
realization  of  this  advantage  of  his  sex 
that  inspired  Methuselah  to  anticipate 

1  S.  Epiphan.  Haeres,  XXVI. 

2  Tho.  Bangius  ;  Coelum  Orientis,  p.  103. 


Modern  Women 


INTRODUCTION 


aft  are  Exceptions 


the  inevitable  iu  quoque  of  women 
readers.1 

Every  age  must,  however,  select  its  own 
illustrations  of  general  principles  from  the 
life  of  its  day,  and  so,  although  originally 
intended  for  a  discussion  of  the  peculiari 
ties  of  the  women  of  Methuselah's  period, 
the  Maxims  have  been  somewhat  boldly 
adapted  to  the  feminism  of  the  twentieth 
century.  If  it  be  inadequate  to  woman's 
latter-day  ideals  and  concepts,  it  can  be  said 
only  that,  however  women  have  changed 
in  their  own  esteem  since  antediluvian 
times,  man's  point  of  view  in  their  respect 
has  altered  too  slightly  to  affect  the  gen 
eral  utility  of  the  patriarch's  precepts. 

The  exigencies  of  the  text,  therefore, 
have  at  times  compelled  me  to  be  much 
more  harsh  with  woman's  frailty  and  in 
consistency  than  my  own  unguided  and 
incomplete  observation  has  seemed  to 
warrant.  But  I  have  been  consoled  by  the 
fact  that  without  doubt  almost  any  state 
ment  one  might  make  upon  so  broad  a 
subject  would  be  true,  while  the  direct 

1  Methuselah,  II.  8,  9. 


' 

.      -  , 


Apology  for  Style 


INTRODUCTION 


Epigrams  outworn 


opposite  would  certainly  be  as  provable 
of  any  individual  case.  And,  in  my  own 
modest  experience,  all  cases  have  been 
individual,  all  exceptional.  Still,  what  is 
true  of  any  considerable  number  of  ex 
ceptional  women  ought  to  be  fairly  true 
of  all  women. 

In  the  transcription  of  these  Maxims,  it 
might  go  without  saying  that  much  of  the 
incisive  epigrammatic  quality  of  the  origi 
nal  Assyrian  (if  it  be  Assyrian)  has  been 
lost.  But  the  epigram  and  the  paradox, 
as  applied  to  women's  'ways,  are  media 
that  have  been  sadly  overworked  of  late, 
and  even  the  modern  trope  of  the  inverted 
or  distorted  proverb  has  lost  its  sting.  It 
has  been  the  aim  of  my  own  not  over- 
modest  attempt  rather  to  be  too  true  to 
be  funny  than  to  be  too  funny  to  be  true. 
And  for  this  ideal  the  stilted  phraseology 
of  parable,  the  redundancy  and  tautology 
of  Hebraic  poetry,  and  the  solemn  form  of 
King  James's  able  litterateurs,  has  seemed 
best  fitted.  Women  held  no  monopoly  in 
iteration  in  the  olden  time. 

Nor  should  it  be  overlooked  that  much 


Women  Informers 


INTRODUCTION         Pathos  of  Experience 


of  the  delicate  asteism  of  the  Maxims  is 
derived  not  so  much  from  the  patriarch's 
personal  observation  as  from  hints  he  has 
received  directly  from  women  themselves. 
Lt  is  the  first  sign  of  a  woman's  awaken 
ing  sense  of  humor  that  she  is  able  to 
perceive  the  illogicality  of  her  own 
whims,  and  the  absurdity  cf  many  of  her 
irresistible  desires.  In  a  way,  this  trait 
is  the  corollary  of  woman's  dogma  of  her 
own  inscrutability.  It  is  a  symptom,  too, 
not  so  much  of  treachery  as  of  a  gather 
ing  intellectual  and  literary  class  con 
sciousness  which,  when  the  newer  Lore 
of  Lilith  is  written,  shall  spit  man, 
writhing,  upon  the  point  of  her  sharper, 
more  facile  pen. 

Men  will,  no  doubt,  ignore,  and  women 
contemn  these  Maxims,  and,  however 
sapient  and  searching  their  message,  silly 
couples  may  often  prefer  to  make  their 
own  deductions  and  analyses.  It  is  the 
pathos  of  experience  that  it  can  seldom 
be  transmitted  from  father  to  son.  But  I, 
at  least,  have  done  my  part,  and  I  may 
say,  with  Spenser's  cynical  maid, 


•pnmg 


INTRODUCTION 


good  Second  Choice 


"  Then  let  them  love  that  list,  or  live  or  die, 

Me  list  not  die  for  any  lover's  doole  ; 
Nc  list  me  leave  my  loved  libertie 

To  pity  him  that  list  to  play  the  foolel " 

Grave  as  it  may  be,  the  accusation  of 
sacrilege  I  shall  not  anticipate  here,  ex 
cept  to  acknowledge  my  indebtedness  to 
certain  literary  flourishes  in  the  Bcok  of 
Proverbs.  But  even  King  Solomon, could 
he  have  had  the  chance  of  reading  this 
book  aloud  in  his  harem,  would,  I  am 
sure,  have  forgotten  its  impropriety  in 
listening  to  the  alternate  sneers  and  gig 
gles  of  his  "seven  hundred  wives,  prin 
cesses,  and  three  hundred  concubines," 
not  to  speak  of  the  glee  of  other  "  strange 
women,  together  with  the  daughter  of 
Pharaoh,  women  of  the  Moabites,  Ammon 
ites,  Edomites,  Zidonians,  and  Hittites." 


New  York,  May  i,  19.7. 


Use  of  the  Maxims 


METHUSELAH,  1. 


Praise  of  Subtilty 


THE  MAXIMS  OF 
METHUSELAH 


Chapter  t 


I  The  use  of  the  Maxims.  4  An  exhortation  to  sub- 
tilty.  8  To  avoid  trouble  as  between  women. 
\\  Of  women's  aitire  and  12  loves.  14  The  use 
of  secrets. 


T 


1HE  Maxims  of  Methuselah  the 
son  of  Enoch  :  To  know  wisdom 
and  instruction  concerning  women; 
to  perceive  the  words  of  knowledge, 
whereby  the  damsels  of  his  choice  may 
be  judged, 

2  To    give    subtilty  to    the  simple,  to 
the  young  man  knowledge  and  discretion 
in  his  loves. 

3  The  fear  of  women  is  the  beginning 
of  knowledge  ;  but  fools  despise  experi 
ence  and  instruction. 


The  Reward  of 


METHUSELAH,   1. 


the  discreet  Youth 


4  C£My    son,   hear    the    instruction    of 
thy    great-grandfather,    and    forsake    not 
the  law  of  those  who  walk   safely  nor* 
are  distracted  by  women's  ways- 

5  So  that  thou   mayest  regard  discre 
tion,  and  that  thy  lips  shall  win  praise 
of    women.       For    the    joys    of    thy    life 
shall  be  many. 

6  Where  thou  goest  she  will  gladly  re 
ceive  thee  ;  and  when  thou  flirtest  thou 
shalt  not  stumble. 

7  For   the    days   of   my   life    are    nine 
hundred,  sixty  and  nine  years,  and  I  have  | 
known  much  women. 

8  C£l  counsel  thee,  introduce  not  female 
contemporaries  one  to   another ;    verily, 
keep  thy  loves  apart,  for  their  wrath  kin- 
dleth  and  bitter  words   arise    when   thy 
doings   are   made   plain. 

9  For  to  a  woman  all  women  are  en 
emies  ;    yet    men    are    allies,    one    with 
another. 

10  Make   no    manner   of    personal    re 
mark  to  a  woman,  unless,  peradventure, 
thou  wishest  to  hear  it  misquoted  in  thine 
ear  for  seventy  and  seven  years  withal. 


I   COUNSEL.    THEE,  INTRODUCE    NOT    FEMALE    CONTEMPO 
RARIES    ONB   TO   ANOTHER,    (i.  8.) 


Divers  Warnings 


METHUSELAH,  2. 


concerning  Secrets 


11  4H,Forget  in  no  wise  to  speak  of  her 
new  raiment ;  but  remember  also  her  at 
tire  of  yore,  when  thou  first  met  her. 

12  <H,Tell  not  thy  previous  loves  to  a 
woman,  lest  she  also  telleth  thee  hers. 

13  See   that   thou   givest  a  maiden  her 
way  ;  gainsay  her  in  nothing.     Howbeit, 
if  thou  robbest  the  victory  of  all  material  \ 
advantage,  the  glory  will  content  her. 

14  f^Wouldst   thou  become  acquainted 
with   a   damsel  ?     See   that   thou   havest 
a  secret  with  her  straightway. 

15  That  when  she  seeth  thy  photograph 
she    may   smile    and    think    untellable 
thoughts. 


Chapter  it 


J  The  patriarch  vaunteth  his  &wn  experience.  2  Of 
calf-love.  5  Forbidden  topics  of  conversation. 
7  Women's  writings  and  their  proneness  to  betray 
their  ovjn  experience.  8  Women's  sense  of  humor. 
J3  Certain  'women  to  be  avoided.  \7  On  public 
dinners. 

LISTEN  and  hear  my  counsel ; 
hearken  unto  my  precept.  For 
the  maidens  of  the  Land  of  Nod 


O 


Mens  Calf -Love 


METHUSELAH,  2. 


Unlucky  Topics 


are  known  unto  me,  and  the  damsels  of 
Uz  are  as  rings  on  mine  hand. 

2  Teach    thy    son    to  Ider 
woman  with  his  first  love,  for  he  shall 
know  much  and  come  to  no  harm.     She 
shall  teach  him,  and  he  shall  learn  divers 
things;  he  shall  amuse  her,  and  she  shall 
train  him  in  the  way  of  women  without 
entanglement. 

3  Yet   if    he    wooeth    a    doll-like    vir 
gin,  surfeit  him  with   her   presence  and 
make  her  ways  easy.     So  shall  he,  per- 
adventure,    fall    aweary   and    learn    dis 
crimination. 

4  4H.Verily,   men    do   foolish  things 
thoughtlessly,  knowing  not  why  ;  but  no 
women  doeth  aught  without  a  reason. 
Search  her  acts  and  learn  her  follies. 

5  Explain  not  machinery  to  her;   on 
politics  shalt  thou  keep  thy  mouth  shut. 

6  For  she    hath    curiosity  but   of   one 
thing,  which  is  lo<ve. 

7  She  writeth   in  the  magazines,   she 
composeth    verses ;    yea,   she    scribbleth 
much.     Yet  she  publisheth  only  her  own 
affairs    and    the    affairs    of   her    friends. 


24 


Certain  Women 


METHUSELAH,  2. 


to  be  avoided 


Imagination  is  not  in  her ;  she  layeth 
her  hand  to  her  heart  and  exposeth  its 
secrets. 

8  4H.My  son,  a  woman  shall  come  unto 
thee,  saying  :  Hearken  not  unto  the  words 
of  thy  great-grandfather,  for  he  doteth  ;  he 
maketh  a  jest  of  women,  comprehending 
nothing.     He  sayeth  so-and-so  concerning 
us; 

9  But  how  about  men  ?     Is  not  this  true 
even  of  them,  also  ? 

10  Then  shalt  thou  know  that  she  lack- 
eth    humor.      She    floateth   in   her   folly, 
she   is   blind ;  do   not    discuss  with   her. 
Kiss  her  patiently  and  praise  her  hair. 

11  For  a  woman  without  humor  is  an 
annoyance  ;   she  is  as  the  touch  of  wet 
velvet,  or  a  mouse  nibbling  in  the  night. 
She  is  as  a  cigar  whose  wrapper  is  torn, 
and  the  air  leaketh   therein ;    nothing  can 
mend  her. 

12  d^I   say   unto  thee  :   it  is   easier  to 
find  a  pet  fly  in  a  butcher's  shop,  than  a 
woman  who  can  sharpen  a  pencil. 

13  Beware  of  the  woman  who  exhaust- 
eth   thine  ammunition;    she  shall  make 


^^^  n^J 


The  female  Grafier          METHUSELAH,  2. 


Dining  in  Pubu 


thee  to  be  weary.  Thou  shalt  tell  her  all 
thy  secrets,  and  yet  learn  naught  of  her. 
Thou  shalt  give  her  rich  gifts,  and  re 
ceive  nothing.  Thou  shalt  write  her 
poems  and  be  in  no  wise  rewarded. 

14  Beware  of   a  woman   who  signeth 
not    her    name    to    her  letters ;   she  will 
bear  watching,  aye,  she  hath  a  past. 

15  But  she  who  dealeth  in  ciphers  and 
symbols,  who  hath  her  secret  name  for 
this  and  for  that,  so  that  none  but  thee 
may  understand  her,  seek  her  and  woo 
her,  for  she  hath  cunning;  observe  her 
ways  and  be  wise. 

16  Curling  locks  are  rather  to  be  chosen 
than   great  riches ;   and  a  good  figure  is 
better  than  diamond  rings. 

17  C^Better   is    a   dinner    of  macaroni 
where    thou    canst    hear    thyself    think, 
than  a    banquet    of .  dainty   meats   with 
music    and   loud   timbrels,  where    her 
words  escape  thee  in  the  tumult. 

18  Also,  that  men  see  her  blushes,  it 
is  not  good  ;  and  he  that  sheweth  her  off 
in  public  places,  sinneth. 

19  A    reproof    entereth    more    into    a 


26 


End  of  Love 


METHUSELAH,  3. 


The  Cosy-Come' 


woman  of  sense  than  an  hundred  com 
pliments  into  a  fool. 

20  The  spirit  of  a  proud  woman  may 
sustain   a  slight ;   but   a   crooked  nose-line 
who  can  bear  ? 

21  The  end  of  a  flirtation  is  as  when 
one  letteth  out  the  last  gasp  of  a  siphon  ; 
but  love  endeth  like  the  chianti  flask,  its 
drops  are  bitter. 


Cfmpter  ttt 


|  J  The  vanity  of  men  2  and  ho<w  ^vomen  <work  them. 
7  ^  Th>  value  of  silence  8  shewn  in  an  example  of 
his  &wn  experience.  J2  Of  chaperonesf  J3  the 
dangers  of  regularity  and  J5  fir  si  kisses. 

BEWARE  the  wiles  of  women,  and 
curb  thy  vanity  ;   for  by  that  door 
she   entereth    in    to   destroy  thee. 
fl   Out  of  the  words  of  thy  mouth  shall  she 
f   bring  thee  low. 

2  I  have  watched  her  at  her  work  in 
the  cosy-corner,  when  she  said  :  Lo,  for  an 
ho'ar  have  I  made  him  to  talk  of  himself; 
till  he  thinketh  he  is  the  best  ever  ; 

3  Now  will    I   fall  upon  him  and  de- 


The  ready  Accepter  METHUSELAH,  3. 


The  silent  Man 


your  him;   he  shall  do  my  bidding,   for 
I  have  gotten  him  going. 

4  He  shall  tell  me  his  inmost  thought, 
and  all  that  my  rival  hath  said  concern 
ing  me.     In  my  sleeve  shall  be  heard  the 
tinkling    of    silvery    laughter;    he    shall 
send  me  flowers, 

5  Precious  confections,  and  gloves,  and 
pins    of    fine    gold,    theatre    tickets,    and 
much  cabfare. 

6  HHer  ways   are  ways   of   pleasant 
ness,  she  considereth  man  as  a  child;  she 
feedeth  man's  pride  and  nourisheth  it,  and 
he  groweth  fat;  his  chest  protrudeth. 

7  Yet  a  silent  man  affrighteth  her,  yea, 
she  is  astonied  at  him.      She  stumbleth 
and   falleth   down ;   there   is   no   way   to 
work  him. 

8  €£!  knew  a  man  who  lived  in  the  city 
of  Enoch,  and  he  married  a  wife.      She 
was  a  shrew,  she  complained  much;  yet 
did  he  subdue  her. 

9  She  railed  continually  with  grievous 
plaints, saying  :  Behold,  thou  hast  come  in 
late,  and  I  am  lonely;  long  have  I  awaited 
thee  ; 


To  Avoid  Regularity  METHUSELAH,  3. 


The  first  Kiss 


10  And  he  said  :    Yes  'm 


11  So  was  her   tongue   broken   against 
him,  and  there  was  peace  in  his  house. 

12  C^My  son,  obey  the  law,  and  observe 
prudence.     When  thou  invitest   a   maid, 
take  her  chaperone  also,  that  thou  may- 
est  flirt  with  her,  unafraid. 

13  If  thou  hast  called  on  her  three 
Thursdays,  take  heed  and  avoid  the  fourth; 
make  thy  call  Tuesday,  lest  she  thinketh 
she   knoweth   all   thy   ways.      Bore   her 
not  with  regularity  ;    let  her  expect  thee 
alway.     Let  her  not  say  unto  her  sister  : 
Lo,  I  have  him  on  the  string. 

14  C.Hast  thou  given  the  first  kiss  to  a 
maiden?    Write  her  speedily  on  the  mor 
row  before  she  giveth  thee  fierce  words ; 
assure  her  and  comfort  her  wee  ;  let  her 
remorse  be  abated,  give  unto  her  an  ex 
cuse  for  her  conductr 

15  Lest  she  say:  Lo,  I  have  spent  the 
night   in   tears,   thinking   on   my   shame. 
Sleep  would  not  come  nigh  unto  me  ;    I 
marvelled  <what  thou  shoulds}  think  of  me; 
my   sorrow   is    great    because '"of  *  my 
indiscretion. 


Women  easily  pleased 


:ETH 


7omens  Credulity 


Chapter 


\  Women  easily  to  be  pleased  and  5  displeased.  7 
They  ask  troublesome  questions.  \2  Ho<w  men  pre 
vail  over  them.  J4  The  cunning  methods  of 
maidens  in  entrapping  men. 

YEA,  as  fascinating  as  a  loose  tooth 
is  a  secret  to  a  young  maid.      For 
she  knoweth  not  whether  to  spit  it 
out  or  keep  it  safe ;  yet  she  cannot  for 
get  it. 

2  Catnip  pleaseth  the  kitten ;    and   the 
reading  of  her  palm  rejoiceth  the  damsel. 
Even  as  one  who  fitteth  a  Doacet  costume 
to  a  d6butante,  so  is  he  who  clotheth  a 
woman's  vanity  with  pleasant  prophecies. 

3  She   goeth   to   the    sorcerer   and   the 
fortune-teller  and  she  returndh  with  a  marvel 
alway.     Yea,  though   she  believeth   not, 
yet   doth   she   believe,   and   her   lips   are 
filled  with  wonders. 

4  Behold,  a  damsel  said  unto  me  :  Hoiv 
<well  thott  understandest  me  ;  yet  I  knew  not 
what  she   spake,   for  she   ended   not  her 
sentences.     But   I  held   my  tongue,  and 


Untoward  Events 


METHUSELAH,  4. 


Women's  Follies 


forbore  questioning;    therefore  was   I 
clad  in  wisdom. 

5  C£He    who    spilleth    ice-cream    upon 
her  front  breadth  shall  be  forgiven  ;  but 
whoso  mentioneth  her  last  night's  indis 
cretion  shall  be  despised. 

6  Better  are  two  left-hand  gloves,  than 
a  man  in  the   moonlight  with   the  'wrong 
woman;  and  a  maiden  alone  by  the  sea 
shore  is  as  a  hat  without  a  hat  pin ;  she 
breedeth  wild  thoughts. 

7  As  a  cushion  which    sheddeth   its 
feathers,  as  a  moulting  dog  which  leapeth 
upon   thee,   so    is    a    woman    who    saith 
continually :    Why  desireth   thou  to   kiss 
me  ? 

8  Tc  be  two  years  a  widow  exceedeth 
a  college  education ;  and  a  woman  with' 
out  brothers  hath  a  hard  time. 

9  A  teasing  woman  is  as  a  squeaking 
shoe,  or  as  when   one  walketh   on  spilt 
sugar. 

10  A  wise  maiden  scenteth  trouble  afar 
and   avoideth    a    scene ;    but   the    foolish 
damsel  exclaimeth  :  Don't! 

11  A  good  woman  would  rather  be  the 


Men  conquer 


METHUSELAH,  4.          Woman's  foxy  Attire 


mother  of  a  genius  than   the  wife   of  a 

hero. 

£/i2  Not  by  their  strength  do  men  prevail 

over  women  to   have  their  way,  but  by 

obstinacy  and  persistency.     For  any  man  in 

time  can  win  any  woman. 

13  It  is  naught,  it  is  naught,  saith  the 
maiden ;   but  when  he   is   gone  his  way 
she  hurrieth  to  the  mirror  and  rejoiceth 
at  her  beauty. 

14  C£Mark  the  woman  in  love,  how  she 
beginneth    a   series   of   revelations  ;   yea, 
though  she  be  innocent  of  guile,  yet  doth 
she  not  hide  her  good  points  from  him. 

15  She  dresseth  in  masquerade  costume 
to  her  advantage,  she  sheweth  her  ankle. 
He  surpriseth  her  in  a  fair  morning-gown 
and  her  neglig6  is  not  without  peril.     She 
weareth  the  thin  shirtwaist,  that  shew 
eth  pink  ribbons  beneath  its  folds  ;    she 
inviteth  him  to  bathe  at  the  seashore  ; 

16  But  when  she   appeareth   with   her 
hair  braided,   when  its   plaits   fall  down 
her  back,  when  the  blue  ribbon  binds  it, 
then  is  her  time  come,  and  danger  is  at 
hanft. 


Conduct  to  be  avoided       METHUSELAH,  5. 


Clew  Men  in  Love 


Chapter 


\  A  ^warning  against  confessions  of  apathy.  5  The 
methods  of  clever  men  alike,  <when  in  love.  9  On 
last  loves.  JO  Women  to  be  vjatched.  \\  Letters 
a  test  of  vjorth.  13  A  ^woman's  future  prophesied 
by  her  mother. 

PRITHEE,   my  son,  say  not  unto  a 
woman :    Beloved,  why  love  I  not 
thee  ;  why  am  I  cold  ?     For  behold, 
thou  art  fair,  thou  hast  doves'  eyes  ;  thou 
art  clever,  and  worthy  my  regard  ;  yet  is 
my  heart  dead,  for  /  cannot  love  thee. 

2  For  her  soul  shall  sicken  at  thy  words, 
and  a  bitter  thought  shall  come  to  her ; 
yea,  two  things  shall  persecute  her  in  her 
meditations : 

3  For  she   shall  say :    If  he  loveth  me 
not  now,  then  will  he  never  love  me  ; 

4  And:  It  is  my  fault,  for  lo,  I  should 
have  made  him  to  love  me,  and  I  could  not. 

5  C^Clever  men  make  their  love  in  the 
same  wise,  one  like  unto  another  ; 

6  With  witty  jest  and  with  frankness, 
displaying  their  wounds. 

7  Confessing  their  danger  and  rejoicing 


Ways  of  the 


METHUSELAH,  5. 


sentimental  Ass 


in  their  peril,  regarding  themselves  <wtth 
humor. 

8  Beginning  at  the  end  of  the  flirtation, 
and  proceeding  backward,  from  the  inside 
outward. 

9  For  in  the  game  of  love,  there  is  but 
one  law  :   Thou  shalt  make  neither  thyself  nor 
her  ridiculous. 

10  Son,  mark  the   soft  and  oily  lover, 
how  women  avoid  him.      His  ways  are 
devious  and  cunning,  he  covereth  his 
tracks. 

11  He  whispereth  in  the  dark,  he  seek- 
eth  dim  places. 

12  Yet  will  no  thoroughbred  endure 
him,  for  he  putteth  them  to  shame. 

13  Verily,  I  say  unto  you,  many  a  maid 
may  be   kissed  in  the   open   who,   when 
her  hand  is  touched  under  the  table  will 
cry  :  Nay,  nay  I 

14  A  bold  heart  can  conquer  a  princess, 
but  he  who  seeketh  her  by  craft  getteth 
only  seconds. 

15  4JA  woman  findeth  in  her  last  lover 
much  of  her  first  love  ;  but  a  man  seeth 
his  next-to-the-last  love,  alway. 


Letters  prove  Worth          METHUSELAH,  6.       The  Future  prophesied 


16  Son,  heed  my  instruction,  and  apply 
thyself  to  know  women;    let   thine  eyes 
observe  her  when   she   is  with   another, 
for  what  she  doeth  with  him,  so  will  she 
do  with  thes,  also. 

17  Count   no  woman    wise,  until   thou 
hast   received   a    letter    from   her   hand ; 
but  love  none  thou  hast  not  seen  face  to 
face,  for  she  who  is  not  foolish  on  paper 
is  worth  knowing. 

18  C^Favor   is   deceitful  and   beauty  is 
vain  ;  but  she  who  offereth  to  mend  thy 
glove  shall  be  praised.   * 

19  Woo  her  not  till  thou  hast  seen  her 
mother,  for    a  score  of  years  worketh 
wonders. 


Chapter  tot 


\  The  patriarch  apologizeth  for  woman's  inconsist 
ency.  5  Ho<w  she  is  often  reproved  7  and  stulti 
fied.  JO  The  ten  signs  of  a  <woman  in  love. 

WONDER    not    at   woman's    in 
consistency,  for  she  hath  been 
created  of  warring  essences. 
2  For   she   is   the  weaker  vessel,  yet 


•••••i^^^^^HM^HHM^Bi^HH^^^BHBMIBHHBMBBBBBI^HIlHBHHiMBmBi 

Her  Inconsistency  METHUSELAH,  6. 


shall  not  the  strong  enjoy  her  unless  she 
consenteth ;  and  that  which  she  lo<vdh 
must  she  refuse  alway. 

3  She  feareth  a  mouse  when  it  appear- 
eth,  yet   she   goeth  to  fierce  pains  with 
gladness  ; 

4  She  demandeth  of  men  the  impossible 
alway ;   yet  she  refuseth  to  see  the  side 
that  appeareth  not  first  unto  her. 

5  Her   ways    are    devious    and    full    of 
guile  ;   yet  when  she  taketh  the   straight 
road  she  is  reproved  for  her  frowardness. 

6  Yea,   when   she    entertaineth    a    fool 
with  honied  words,  do   men   accuse   her 
of  hypocrisy  ;   yet  if  she  telephoneth  to 
men,  asking  them  to  call,  then  are  they 
enraged  and  perverse  of  spirit. 

7  And  in  her  defeat  by  her  beloved  is 
her  only  victory. 

8  She  beareth   agony   continually,   yea, 
she  smileth  and  concealeth  her  pain  ;  yet 
if   a    man    suffer,   the    whole    city   shall 
know  it. 

9  C^There  is  a  thing  no  woman  know- 
eth,   and   all  her  days  it  shall   be   unre- 
vealed ;  how   she   hath   acted  in   private 


and  h<yw  defended 

-\ 


METHUSELAH,  6. 


a  Woman  in  Love 


theatricals,  no  man  shall  tell  her,  and 
women  shall  say  sweet  words,  meaning 
nothing. 

10  d.Son,  if  a  maiden  love   thee,  thou 
shalt   appear   handsome  in  her  sight;    she 
shall  praise  thine  eyes,  and  the  corners 
of  thy  mouth,  yea,  she  shall  admire  thy 
hands.     Though   thou   wert  even  as   the 
ourang-outar.g   yet   shall    she    paint   thee 
with  fancies. 

11  She  shall  be  easy  of  access  ;  she  will 
accept   all    thine    invitations-;    she   shall 
have  time  in  plenty. 

12  She  shall  shew  thee  her  new  raiment 
and    ask    thy   judgment;    and    the    gown 
which  thou   approvest  not,  she  will  not 
wear  it. 

13  She   shall   ask   thee   of   thy  mother, 
and  thy  sister  ;  she  shall  demand  a  pho 
tograph  of  thy  childhood. 

14  She  shall  read  the  books  that  thou 
readest,  she  shall  study  thy  taste.     She 
shall  know  thy  color  and  thy  song;  she 
shall  remember  the  sugar  in  thy  tea,  and 
the   lamb   chop   thou  despisest  will   she 
not  offer  thee. 


\ 


How  to  tell 


METHUSELAH,  7. 


<when  She  cares 

mommm 


15  She  shall  pick  threads  from  thy  gar 
ment  ;  she  shall  brush  thine  hair. 

16  She    remembereth    when    she    first 
met  thee,  and  knoweth  when  thou  hast 
last  called.     She  laugheth  at  thy  jests. 

17  She  knoweth  thy  neckties  ;  she  heed- 
eth  thine  opinions  and  quoteth  them  to  her 
friends. 

18  She   giveth   thee    foolish  gifts ;   and 
she  knoweth  if  thou  usest  them  noL 

19  She  readeth  thy  letters  even  when 
they  are  cold;  she  knoweth  thy  step  when 
it  is  outside  the  door. 


Chapter  tott 


J  Women  to  be  understood  and  guarded  against.  3 
Her  methods  contrariwise.  1  The  universal  con 
fidante  to  be  avoided.  8  When  to  confide.  JO  A 
comparison  of  the  plain  and  comely  maid,  and  their 
methods.  J4  Woman's  prudence. 

HEARKEN    unto    my    words    and 
attend  diligently  to  my  counsel ; 
for   the  world  is  full  of   women, 
and  the  women  full  of  wile  ;  so   that   a 
man,  if  he  goeth  not  warily  withal,  shall 
surely  fall  a  prey  thereunto. 


Ways  and  Wiles        METHUSELAH,  7. 


When  to  confide 


I 


2  For  in  the  endeavor  to  misunderstand 
women  we  spend  our  most  delightful 
moments. 

3  <H.Take   heed   and   know  that  a  fond 
woman  s  commandment  is  made  only  to 
be  broken  ;  and  only  a  fool  erreth  therein. 

4  When   she    smileth,   peradventure   it 
may  be  for  another  ;  but  when  she  frown- 
eth  it  is  for  thee  alone. 

5  If  she   talketh  much   of  another,  re 
joice  that  thou  hast  no  rival ;  but  if  she 
keepeth  silent  concerning  him,  <watch  thou 
his  ads,  for  danger  lieth  in  wait  for  thee. 

6  If  she  weepeth,  weep  thou  also,  and 
her  grief  shall  be  abated. 

7  CI^Many  a  woman  hath  said  unto  me  : 
Lo,  I  am  the  universal  confidante,  and  all 
men  tell  me  their  loves  ;   yet  have   I  not 
confided  in  her. 

8  CH.If  a  damsel  importune  thee  for  thy 
secret,  lie  thou  straightway  ;  yea,  if  there 
be  naught  to  hide,  invent  thou  a  pleasing 
romance,  for  words  shall  content  her. 

9  Yet  if  she  ceaseth  from  her  questions, 
if  she  respecteth  thy  privacy,  then  mayest 
thou  tell  her  the  truth. 


Effect  of  Beauty 


METHUSELAH,  7. 


General  Remarks 


10  C£My  son,  beware  of  a  plain  damsel 
who  charmeth  thee,  for  she  needeth  much 
wile,  and  useth  divers  cweapons ; 

11  She    expecteth    not    to    win    easily, 
and  she  maketh  sure  her  aim  ;  she  play- 
eth    the    sympathetic.      She   studieth    to 
please,  she  doeth  many  favors. 

12  But   the    fair    maiden    is    simple    of 
heart,  she  thinketh   much  of  herself;  she 
giveth  naught,  but  receiveth  alway  ;   she 
basketh  in  her  own  beauty ;  she  maketh 
men  to  be  weary. 

13  C^Doth  a  woman  strive  for  the  im 
possible?     Nay,  she  knoweth  not  the  gain 
thereof;    and   she    scoffeth   at    him   who 
desireth  a  marvel. 

14  Lo,  many   a   man   hath   given   up  a 
good  salary  for  a  chance  of  fortune  ;  but  a 
woman  preferreth  the  bird  in  the  hand. 

15  If  thou  makest  a  statement  concern 
ing  women,  lo,  she  shall  immediately  try 
to  disprove  it  straightway.     She  goeth  by 
contraries. 

16  When  a  woman  breaketh  her  heart, 
when    disaster    befalleth    her    love,    she 
entereth  the  house  of  memory  and  shutteth 


be  a  Dear 


METHUSELAH,  8. 


Quarrels  helpful 


the  door  behind  her  ;  but  if  a  man  slayeth 
his  hope  he  shutteth  the  door  also,  but  he 
departeth. 

17  For   all   women   are    even   as   Lot's 
wife,  looking  backward. 


Chapter  tout 


\  The  patriarch,  to  persuade  discretion,  3  she<weth 
ho<w  to  quarrel  4  and  flirt.  6  Women  easily  to 
be  held,  once  <won.  1  Upon  competition.  JO  Sun 
dry  observations  common  to  all  <women.  J8  Ho<w 
<womeT.  spy  on  ivomen. 

OSON,  heed  my  wisdom  and  learn 
my  ways,  and  maidens  will'  follow 
thee ;    in    Ethiopia   shall  the   gar 
lands  be  hung,  and  the  damsels  of  Assyria 
shall  say  :  He  is  a  dear  ; 

2  And  from  the  Land  of  Nod  shalt  thou 
receive  perfumed  letters  and  couch  cush 
ions  and  photographs. 

3  <H.Many  a  maid  have  I  won  by  a  quar 
rel,  when  flattery  was  in  no  wise  helpful ; 
but  take  heed  that  thou  art  in  the  <wrcng, 
so  that  thou  mayest  acknowledge  thine 
error. 


Various  formulae. 


MKTHUSKLAH,    8.       Competition  eschewed 


4  Ct,Yet  repeat  not  the  manner  of  a  flir 
tation  ;   for  lo,  all  the  world  shall  hear  of 
it,  and  women  will  taunt  thee  ;  even  the 
debutante  shall  revile  thy  ways. 

5  A  poem  to  the  foolish  and  a  conun 
drum  to  the  wise  ;  a  kiss  to  the  chaste  and 
a  handclasp  to  the  unchaste. 

6  HA  man   is    like    unto   a  fort  in   a 
strange  land,  easy  to  capture,  but  hard  to 
hold  ;  but  a  woman  of  virtue  is  like  an  eel 
in  a  bathtub,  not  easily  to  be  acquired,  yet 
difficult  to  lose. 

7  HI   say  unto  thee,  verily,  eschew 
competition,  for  if  she  loveth  another  more 
than  thee,  naught  of  thy  doing  can  vanquish 
him. 

8  And  if  she  loveth  thee  not  at  first,  then 
will  she  never  love  thee. 

9  While  thine  arm  is  about  her,  let  it  be 
as  if   other   women   ivere   not.      Mention 
them  not ;  nay,  ignore  them  utterly. 

10  fjpbserve  woman  and  her  ways,  and 
be  not   deceived  by  false   tidings;    for   a 
woman  may  use  a  lorgnon  without  being 
near-sighted,   and    not   every   one    whose 
waist  buttoneth  up  behind  keepeth  a  maid. 


Woman's  Paradise 


METHUSELAH,  8. 


Bromidic  Sayings 


11  A  woman  liveth  in  a  romantic  future, 
yea,  one  which   cometh  not ;    but  a  man 
liveth  in  the  present. 

12  Her  heart  consenteth  before  her  lips 
say:    Yea;    and  in  this  interval  lieth  her 
Paradise  ;    wherefore  she  would  prolong 
it. 

13  C^She   sendeth   a   telegram    of   ten 
words  ;  nor  more  nor  less  can  she  be  per 
suaded,  though  her  need  be  great. 

14  She  saith  :   Lo,  I  have  washed  mine 
hair,  and  I  can  do  naught  ivith  it  I 

15  She  saith  :    If  thou  hadst  come  on 
the  yesterday,  we  had  a  good  dinner ;  why 
earnest  thou    not  last  week,  when  mine 
house  was  in  order,  for  now  it  is  a  sight. 

16  She  saith  :     I   pray  thee,  let  us  be 
honest    one    with    another,   and    if    thou 
ceasest  to  love  me,  tell  me  and  I  will  go 
my  way  ;  but  be  not  persuaded. 

17  She  saith :   Lo,  it  is  passing  strange 
that  my  child  behaveth  not  before  com 
pany;    <when  <we  are  alone   then  will    he 
speak  his  piece. 

18  d.1  have  seen  her  when  she  watched 
the  raiment  of  her  sisters  in  the  street, 


Woman's  Insolence 


METHUSELAH,  9. 


Platonic  Friendship 


and  in  the  house  when   she   scrutinized 
their  ways  ;  nothing  escaped  her. 

19  She  turneth  her  head,  she  appraiseth 
her  neighbor's  costume,  saying  :  Lo,  it  is 
machine-embroidered,  and :    she  weareth 
cheap  lace,  her  shirt-waist  is  not  clean. 

20  Who  is  more  virtuous  than  she  who 
hath  once  kissed  and  hath  ceased  from 
kissing?      She   is   impregnable;   there   is 
none  like  unto  her. 


Chapter  tj: 


\  An  exhortation  io  eschew  Platonic  affection  and  its 
inevitable  consequences.  8  Sundry  qualities  of 
<women  likened.  \2  Whom  not  to  marry. 

TELL  me,  ye  simple  ones,  how  long 
will  ye  go  in  for    Platonic  friend 
ship  ?   and  the   scorners   delight  in 
their    I-told-you-so's    and    the    gossips 
whisper. 

2  I  also  will  mock  at  your  calamity  ; 
I  will  laugh  when  passion  cometh.  When 
her  tears  flow,  I  will  say  ha-ha!  I  will  re 
joice  with  exceeding  great  mirth. 


' 


METHUSELAH,  9. 


treats  Love  lightly 


3  Then  ye  shall  call  on  me  and  I  shall 
not  answer  ;  ye  shall  ask  my  advice  and  I 
shall  withold  it.    For  there  is  none  escape. 

4  Ye   would   none   of   my  counsel ;   ye 
depised   my   precepts.      Ye  were   as   one 
who  playeth  with  a  live  wire,  and  is  be 
come  full  of  sparks. 

5  Therefore    shall   ye   eat   the  fruit   of 
your  own  way,  and  be  filled  with  your 
own   devices.     Ye   shall   squirm,   uttering 
foolish  lies,  explaining  nothing. 

6  HBut  whoso  hearkeneth  to  me  shall 
dwell  safely,  and  shall  be  quiet  from  fear 
of  trouble.     Women  shall  say  :  Ho<w  inter 
esting,  and   shall   much   desire  him.     He 
shall   be    inviteth  to   theatre    parties,  he 
shall  dine  at  no  cost.     The  matrons  shall 
receive  him  with  smiles. 

7  The  wise  shall  enter  into  upper  Fifth 
Avenue,  but  the  West  Side  shall  be  the 
promotion  of  fools.     In  East  Eighteenth 
Street  shall  they  take  up  their  abode  and 
a  ha!l  bedroom  shall   receive   them.     In 
Harlem  shall  they  make  their  calls. 

8  C£Of   women   who    could    brook    re 
proof  have  I  known  upward  of  an  hun- 


Babies  and  Pets 


METHUSELAH,  9. 


Undesirable  Wives 


dred;   but  of  them  that  could  discreetly 
take  praise,  nay,  not  one. 

g  HCan  a  woman  entertain  a  man  and 
a  pet  at  the  same  time  ?  I  say  unto  thee, 
one  of  the  twain  shall  suffer  jealousy.' 

10  HAs  the   salt-cellar  whose  cover 
cometh  off  in  the  soup,  so  is  the  matron 
who  extolleth  her  babes. 

11  Even  as  the   sound  of  sleighs  upon 
bare  ground,  so  is  she  who  saith :  I  shall 
never  marry. 

12  H Attend  unto   my  instruction,  that 
•thou  proposest  not  to  the  wrong  damsel, 
for  I  show  thee  revealing  signs  ; 

13  Ask   not   her   who    trieth   to   get   in 
ahead   of   the    line    at    a    ticket-window ; 
neither  to  her  who  shutteth  not  the  door 
of  the  car  after  her  ; 

14  Nor  whoso   spendeth   her   hours   in 
the  dressing-room  of  the  Pullman,  caus 
ing  her  sisters  to  gnash  their  teeth,  and 
say  fierce  things. 

15  Neither  to  her  who  knoweth  not  how 
to   say  Good  bye,  at  the  telephone  ;   nor 
her    who    grafteth    scarf-pins,    saying:    I 
will  return  it. 


The  Trials 


METHUSELAH,  10. 


of  Matrons 


Chapter  j: 


I  Methuselah  examineth  matrons  for  their  faults  and 
foibles..  6  Women  not  easily  fooled  except  by 
themselves.  8  He  sheweth  the  instruction  of  silence. 
J2  The  desperate  simplicity  of  a  young  wanton. 

A  BLACK  corset  is  an  abomination, 
and  she  who  leaveth  her  hair  in 
the   comb  shall  be   cast  out  into 
utter  darkness. 

2  Count   no    matron    happy    until    she 
hath  passed  thirty,  and  hath  not  waxed 
fat.     For  then  do  her  sisters  torment  her, 
saying :  In  this  gown  thou  needst  have  no 
fear,    it   becometh    thee ;    but   wear    not 
horizontal  stripes,  for  thy  hip  increaseth. 

3  Behold,  no    woman   with    a    perfect 
figure  shall  escape  calumny  from  her  sex, 
yea,  her  reputation  shall   be   questioned 
amongst   her    sisters ;  and    a  good   com 
plexion  is  ofttimes  suspected. 

4  In  the  mind  of  a  woman,  to  give  birth 
to  a  child  is  the  short  cut  to  omniscience. 

5  For  she  who  hath  had  children  con- 
temneth  her  who  is  not  a  matron ;  yea, 


Of  Spooning 


METHUSELAH,  10. 


A  hard  Question 


she  despiseth  her  in  her  heart ;  wisdom 
and  excellence  shall  not  appease  her. 

6  4JMy  son,  waste  no  time  in  trying  to 
fool  a  woman  ;  rather  let  her  fool  herszlf. 

7  Judge   not    a  woman   whether    thou 
shalt  marry  her,  until  thou  hast  seen  her 
family  bathroom  and  its  appointments. 

8  The  sun  must  not  see  what  the  moon 
seeth ;   nor  the  piazza  chair  know  what 
the  divan  knoweth.     Illumine    not  with 
words  of  light  the  deeds  of  darkness. 

9  Go   to  the  couch  cushion,  thou  tat 
tler  ;  consider  its  ways  and  be  wise  ; 

10  Which,  having  seen  and  heard  divers 
curious  things,  telleth  naught ;  nor  will  a 
slap  on  the  face  provoke  it  to  indiscretion. 

11  Yet   a   woman    and   a   mouse,  they 
carry  a  tale  wherever  they  go. 

12  HSon,    in    my    youth,    I    kissed    a 
maiden  of  Assyria,  and  she  said  unto  me  : 
Doest  thou  this  al<way  ?     With  every  dam 
sel  doest  thou  assuage  thy  desire  ? 

13  Then   I   waxed   bold   in  my   shame 
and  made  answer,  saying :   Yea,  every  one 
do  I  kiss,  and  not  one  do  I  not  desire  her 
lips. 


THE   SUN    MUST   NOT    SEE  WHAT   THE    MOON    SEETH.    (x.  8.) 


\Letting  her  down 


METHUSELAH,!!.    A  Woman's  Conscience 


14  So  she  laughed  and  was  comforted, 
believing  me  not,  nor  desiring  to  believe 
me.     She  made  merry  at  my  jest  and  was 
content  in  her  pride. 

15  Offer  to  every  woman  an  excuse  in 
season,  that  she  may  clothe  her  embar 
rassment;    let  her    not  suffer  for  her 
complaisance. 


Chapter  tt 


J  A  woman's  conscience  always  in  subjection.  3 
Her  justification  for  gossip .  5  Of  engaged  ma  idens ' 
forget  fulness.  6  Of  kisses  felt  and  seen.  &  Women 
led  astray  by  women.  12  Women  construe  men's 
actions  amorously.  J4  How  to  flatter  women.  17 
Women  aware  of  their  good  points.  22  Quickness 
of  women's  minds.  25  Women  prone  to  misconstrue 
kindness. 

UNTO  a  woman  her  conscience  is  a 
slave,  she  forceth  it  to  do  her  will ; 
with  what  pride  she  vaunteth  her 
virtue ! 

2  Saying:  Lo,  I  know  I   ought   not  to 
tell  this  thing,  nor  should  I  divulge  it  at 
all ;  but  ihou  understandest. 

3  Her  friend  cometh  with  tidings,  and 


Of  Gossips 


METHUSELAH,  11. 


and  Fiancees 

mornm 


she  receiveth  her  with  joy,  saying:  Thou 
knowest  that  I  believe  not  in  gossip,  nor 
do  I  talk  mischievously  of  my  neighbor, 
tell  me  therefore  the  news,  and  I  will  not 
believe  it. 

4  She   saith:   Yea,   I    know    well    that 
I  tell  not  always  the  truth  ;  and  in  her 
heart  she  thinketh  :   Surely  my  frankness 
condoneth  my  fault. 

5  I  have  heard  engaged  maidens,  when 
they  said,   concerning  their  past   lovers: 
Yea,  I  ihought  that  I  loved  him,  but  I  was 
mistaken. 

6  And  many  a  damsel  hath  besought  her 
sister  to  marry  a  man  whom  she  would 
in  no  wise  be  persuaded  to  marry  herself. 

7  C^My  son,  there  are  subjective  kisses, 
and  kisses  objective  ;  there  are  kisses  seen 
and  disgustable,  and  kisses  felt  and  raptur 
ous  ;   but  the  glory  of   the   subjective   is 
one's,  and  the  shame  of  the  objective  is 
another's. 

8  It  is  not  by  men  that  women  are  be 
trayed,  but  rather  by  women.     Lo,  I  ob 
served  a  prude  amongst  sports,  and  the 
prude  was  a  sport  also,  even  as  the  others, 


The  first  Cigarette 


METHUSELAH,  11 


fearing  to  be  different  from  the  rest.  And 
also  I  observed  a  sport  amongst  prudes; 
her  conduct  was  seemly  altogether. 

9  Doth  a  woman  smoke  her  first  ciga 
rette  because  a  man  asketh  this  of  her  ? 
Nay,  but  because  the  other  women  at  the 
table  smoke  ;  even   at  the  dove  lunch 
taketh  she  the  first  step. 

10  Yet  the  froward  woman  is  she  that 
is  frankest ;  she  speaketh  her  mind.     Doth 
a  woman  speak   platitudes  and  hot  air? 
Behold,  she  is  innocent. 

11  Every  man  judgeth  a  woman  by  his 
own  experience   alway.     If  she  refuseth 
him,  he    saith  :    Lo,  she   is  inaccessible, 
but    if    she    consenteth,  he    saith    in   his 
simplicity :    Behold,    so  doeth  she    with 
every  man. 

12  f£I  say  unto  thee,  not  by  kisses  and 
honied  words  doth  a  woman  measure  a 
man's  love,  but  by  every  deed  he  doeth. 
She  is  sensitive  to  his  approaches  ;   if  he 
toucheth  her  glove  she  thinketh:   Lo,  this 
is  an  advance,  his  love  progresseth.     He 
examineth  her  rings,  and  she  questioneth 
herself  whether  he  be  enamored. 


How  to  f Utter METHUSELAH,  11. 


V 


13  UShe  whom  thou  lovest  must  laugh 
•when  thou  laughest  and  cry  when  thou 
criest;  for  if  she  laugh  when  thou  criest  or 
cry  when  thou  laughest,  woe  be  unto  thee. 

14  C£My    son,    wouldst    thou    flatter 
women?     I  counsel  thee,  avoid  generali 
ties  ;  say  not  unto  her :  Thou  art  fair,  my 
love,  thou   rejoicest    my  heart   with  thy 
comeliness, 

15  But  let  thy  words  be  definite,  go  thou 
into  details,  for  this  will  cause  her  joy ; 

16  Say  unto  her  :   Love,  thy  nostrils  are 
proud,  they  show  thy  caste  ;  and  thine  ear 
is  like  a  seashell.     How  cunning  are  the 
tips  of  thy  fingers,  and  the  line  of  thine 
eyebrows,  naught  can  match  it. 

17  Ctenoid,   she  knoweth  her  points, 
good  and  bad  knoweth  she  them  all,  from 
the  greatest  even  unto  the  smallest ;  for 
her  mirror  instructeth  her  and  she  knocwetb 
her  frame. 

18  The  excellencies  of  her  rivals  she 
knoweth  also  ;    and  lo,  if  she  hath  thick 
wrists,  of  every  other  woman's  wrist  will 
she  take  notice. 

19  She  weareth  a  number  three  shoe, 


Alt  Women  Critics  METHUSELAH,  1 1 .        Feminine  Psychology 


i 


for  it  is  a  comfort  unto  her ;  yet  when 
thou  askest  will  she  say  :  Lo,  a  two-and-a- 
half  is  my  size. 

20  Knowest  thou  a  woman  who  criti- 
ciseth  not  other  women's  attire  ?     I  say 
unto  thee,  there   is  not  one  who   cannot 
point  out  their  faults   and   advise  them, 
what    they   should    wear.      Though    she 
dress   like   an   art-student,   yet   is   she  an 
authority. 

21  d,Many  a  woman  seemeth  to  be  try 
ing  to  convince  thee  ;  yet  it  is  but  herself 
whom  she  would  convince. 

22  CtWhat  is  quicker  than  a  woman's 
mind  ?     She  leapeth   to  conclusions,  and 
the  question  thou  askest  she  answereth  it 
not,  but  what  she  thinketh  that  ihoa  meanest, 
that  she  answers.     She  will  not  be  pinned 
down. 

23  As  a  fly  entangled  upon  sticky  paper, 
so  is  a  woman  who  seeketh  to  justify  her 
conduct. 

24  Lo,  if  thou  speakest  to  her  the  whole 
truth,  she  will  say  :   Ha-ha,  he  deceiveth 
me,  he  hath  not  told  me  the  half,  I  will 
add  unto  it. 


Goodwill  rebuked  METHUSELAH,  1 2.  Penis  of  Innocence 


25  Son,  say  not  unto  a  woman  whom 
thou  knowest  not:    Lo  and  beware,  thy 
sidecombs    are     falling,    and     a    hairpin 
escapeth  from  thy  tresses ;    it  will  invite 
her  wrath,  she  will  look  upon  thee  with 
fury. 

26  She  will  turn  a  compliment  into  an 
insult  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye  ;  when 
thou  praisest  her,  she  will   misconstrue 
thy  words. 


Chapter  rii 


1  Maidens  repressed  must  break  forth  in  indiscretion, 
2  A  'woman  friend  is  to  be  desired  for  the  blessed 
ness  and  ad<vice  she  bringeth  to  whoso  is  faithful. 
\2  The  mischiefs  of  photographs  and  the  signs 
thereof. 

GO  to,  my  son,  be  not  deceived  by 
vain    signs.       Knowest    thou    a 
maiden    who    sheweth   all    her 
letters  to  her  mother  ?    Cultivate  her,  and 
she  shall  soon  send  thee  words  of  fire. 

2  Even  as  the  blower  on  the  fireplace 
hideth  the  flames,  so  shall  she  break  forth 
when  her  parents'  scrutiny  be  removed. 


METHUSELAH,  12.        Woman's  Friendship 


3  C[.If  thou  shalt  receive  my  words  and 
hide   my   commandments   with  thee,  all 
women  shall  be  as  one  woman  with  thee, 

and  she  easy. 

4  Seek   one  woman  whom  thou  canst 
trust,  and  to  her  who  lovest  thee  best, 
tell    thy   secrets.     She  will   deliver   thee 
from  the  hands  of   strange  women,   she 
will  expose  their  craft ;   and  of  her  who 
flattereth  thee,  will  she  make  known  the 
reason. 

5  When  thou  findest  her  whom  thou 
canst  trust,  go,  but  return  alway.      Smile 
upon  her  across  the  chamber  when  thou 
art   encompassed    about ;    when   women 
admire  thee,  let  thine  eye   seek  her  out. 
Across  the  dining  table  shalt  thou  make 
her  a  sign.     She  shall  possess  thy  secret 
glance. 

6  When  thou  puttest  on  gay  raiment, 
when  thou  anointest  thine  hair,  seek  her 
ere  thou    goest    thy    way    to    the    feast ; 
and  when  thou  departest  therefrom,  then 
shalt  thou  soon  return  unto  her,  telling  thy 
tale.     She  will  interpret  thy  dreams. 

7  Seek  not  to  deceive  her,  for  she  who 


The  Similarity  of 


Angets  and  De<vu 


loveth  thee  is  wise  and  knoweth  thy 
moods.  Put  thy  trust  in  her  and  she  will 
teach  thee  women's  ways. 

8  Ct.lt  is   better  to  believe  and  be  de 
ceived    seventy    times   seven    than    to 
think  all<women  are  false;  yea,  it  is  more 
affording. 

9  If  thou  suspectest  her,  it  is  better  to 
leave  her  than  to  doubt  ;  but  to  believe 
and  to  doubt  also,  it  is  a  bitter  torment. 

10  In  my  youth  I  knew  a  maiden  of  the 
Land  of  Nod  and  I  loved  her.     And  my 
friends  came  unto  me  and  said:   Lo,  she 
is  a  devil,  cast  thou  her  off.     But  I  made 
answer,  saying:   Verily  I  wot  well  that 
she   is  either   angel    or  devil,   for    in   no 
other    wise    could    she    charm    me  ;    yet 
would  I  think  her  an  angel  while  I  may, 
for  I  cannot  leave  her. 

11  The    fool    saith    in    his    heart:    All 
women  are  liars,  but   I    say   unto  thee  : 
Verily,    two    good    women    friends     are 
worth  more  than  a  million  saints. 

12  d.Now  I  went  into  the  chamber  of 
a  maiden,   and  there  were  many  photo 
graphs  ;    on    the    writing    desk,    and    the 


The  Photograph 


METHUSELAH, 


as  a. 


mantel  and  the  mirror  thereof  were  many 
faces  ;  but  I  discovered  not  mine  o<wn. 

13  And  I  rejoiced,  saying:   Lo,  I  am  at 
the  head  of  the  procession. 

14  And  on  another  time  I  entered  the 
chamber  of  yet  another  damsel ;  in  her 
abode  I  made  my  way  privily.     And  be 
hold,  my  photograph  was  displayed  in  a 
frame  of  fine  gold. 

15  And  I  cried  aloud  in  my  shame,  and 
waxed  hot,  saying:   Alas,  that  I  am  be 
come  a  gooseberry,   for  she   useth   me   to 
her  own  end  ;   I  am  as  the  geography  of 
the  schoolboy,  behind  which  he  readeth 
the  story  of  Bloody  Mike  the  Avenger. 
For  she  wantoneth  with  my  name,  fool 
ing  her  friends. 


Chapter  rtit 


•• 


The  discipline  and  doctrine  of  <women  in  iheir  efforts 
to  ensnare  men  shewn  m  the  complete  alphabet  of 
her  <wiles. 

EAR  now  my  word,  and  listen  to 
my  instruction,  that  thou  be  not 
fooled  of  the  woman  who  seek- 


H 


Women  s  KeveUttons      METHUSELAH,  13. 


System  with  Mei 


eth  to  ensnare  thee  ;  for  her  ways  are 
plain  unto  me,  and  by  many  defeats  have 
I  won  victory  over  her. 

2  For  in   my  youth  I  had  experience 
of  the  women  of   Mesopotamia,  and    of 
Ethiopia,  and  Assyria,  and  Havilah,   and 
of  the  countries  by  the  Euphrates  ; 

3  And  they  taught  me  their  lore,  yea, 
one  woman  told  of  another,  and  confessed 
her  secret  heart ;  and  on  my  tablets  wrote 
I  down  their  sayings. 

4  €£My  son,  keep  my  words  and  lay  up 
my  commandments  with  thee,  that  they 
may  keep  thee   from  her  who  flattereth 
thee  with  honied  words. 

5  For  lo,  this   is   her  cunning  and  by 
these    crafts    doth    she    practise    upon 
thee  when  she  would  bind  thee  to   her 
side    forever;    aye,   though  she  be  inno 
cent  of  guile,  yet  hath  she  her  system  and 
it  shall  not  fail. 

6  4JBehold,  from  my    window  have  I 
regarded  her,  and  I  have  beheld  her  ways 
how  she   compasseth  the  fascination   of 
the  simple    ones ;    from    her   first   move 
unto  the  end  of  the  game  have  I  watched 


The  personal  Relation      METHUSELAH,  13.  Use  of  Propinquity 


her  out  of  mine  eye,  and  this  is  the  manner 
of  her  doing  : 

7  Lo,  she  hath  met  him  in  a  company  of 
youths  in  the  green  fields  ;  and  she  hath 
espied  her  quarry;  she  hath  determined 
to  capture  him,  and  he  is  already  lost. 

ALEPH 

8  She    establisheth   a  personal  relation; 
she   hath  made  him  to  notice  her  from 
amongst    the    others ;    she    hath    asked 
him  to  carry  her  coat;  she  hath  put  her 
purse  into  his  pocket,  and  he  doeth  her 
service. 

BETH 

9  She  establisheth  proximity,  and  of  pro 
pinquity  she  hath  made  her  use ;  she  hath 
entreated  him  to  tie  her  shoe  ;  she  hath 
decorated  his  buttonhole,  and  her  breath 
is  in  his  face. 

GIMEL 

10  She    hath    awakened   his    protection, 
she  hath  shewn  her  alarms  that  he  might 
comfort  her  ;  for  the  dog  that  barketh  and 
the  cow  with  horns,  they  have  provoked 
her  fears. 


tssof 


;LAH,  13. 


Woman's  Attack 


11  And  lo,  he  is  mighty  and  stilleth  her 
fears  ;  she  hath  taken  his  arm. 

12  From  a   high    place  he  hath  lifted 
her  down,  even  from  the  stone  wall  hath 
he  lifted  her  and   she   marvelleth  at  his 
strength. 

DALETH 

13  She   hath  achieved  a  tete-a-tete  and 
she  hath  told  him  her  confidence  :  she  hath 
poured  out  her  heart, 

14  Saying :  I  know  not  why  I  tell  thee 
this,  for  I  have  never  told  it  before  ;  but 
surely  thou  understandest   me   and  I  can 
trust  thee  alway. 

HE 

15  Behold  he  hath  called  for  the  third 
time,  and  she  saith  :    Lo,  I  have  missed 
thee  and  all  day  yesterday  thou  wert  in 
my  mind,  for  I  had  divers  things  to  say  to 
thee. 

16  And  when  he  goeth  she  saith  :   When 
shall  I  see  thee  again  ? 

VAU 

17  She   establisheth   a  secret  union  be 
tween   them,   and   in   the   company   of 


:ETHUSELAH,  is. 


strangers  she  saith  unto  him  secret  words. 
She  referreth  to  untellable  things ;  she 
buildeth  up  a  past  and  useth  it. 

18  She    giveth    him    a  pet  name;    she 
signeth  her  letters,  the  Princess  in  the  Magic 
Tower. 

ZAIN 

19  She  desireth  to  be  treated  asja.  man: 
she  yearneth  for  the  simple  relation  of  a 
comrade, 

20  Saying :    Lo,  how  I  trust  thee,  for 
thou  hast  not  regarded  me  merely  as  a 
woman  ;  thou  hast  not  made  up  to  me. 

21  Yet  doeth  she  the  feminine  and  help 
less  alway,  she  confesseth  her  weakness 
and  extolleth  his  strength ;  she  laugheth 
in  her  sleeve. 

CHETH 

22  She  sheweth  an  interest  in  all  things 
which  concern  him  ;  of  his  doings  at  the 
office  she  inquireth,  and  of   his  comings 
and  goings  she  displayeth  concern. 

23  Saying  :  Andhocw  'was  old  Jones  to-day  ? 
Did  he  trouble  thee  ?     And  of  that  new 
customer  in  Peru,  hast  thou  heard  aught? 

24  She  readeth  the  books  he  readeth  : 


Mental  Deference 


METHUSELAH,  13.          Fitting  the  Harness 


she   consulteth  the   newspapers  that  she 
may  discuss  with  him. 

25  And    she    saith  :     Lo,    I    have    read 
that  book  which  thou  mentionedst,  and  / 
agree  with  thee  perfectly  ;   thou    art   right 
concerning  it. 

TETH 

26  She  getteth  him  into  the  kitchen  ;  he 
openeth  beer  and  sardines  in  the  evening; 
she  bindeth  an  apron  about  him  and  she 
sitteth  upon  the  washtubs ;  on  the  table 
she  swingeth  her  silk  stockings. 

27  She  standeth   beside  him  when  he 
openeth  cases  ;  when  he  putteth  up  her 
shelf  she  handeth  him  the  hammer  and 
nails  ;  she  smileth  upon  him. 

JOD 

28  She  asketh  for  his  photograph :  aye, 
for  the  photograph  <when  he  was  a  babe  she 
manifesteth  envy ;   she   stealeth  it   from 
him. 

29  She    admireth    his    shoulders ;    she 
saith  :    Lo,    what    a  stunning  profile  thou 
hast !     Thy  mouth  is  firm.     Behold,  thou 
art  distinguished. 


t 


The  Solicitude  of 


METHUSELAH,  13. 


30  She  inquireth  of  his  mother  and  his 
Aunt  Jane,  his  little  nephew  and  all  that 
are  within  his  gates. 

CAPH 

31  She  attempteth  his   reform;   she 
sheweth  an  interest  in  his  health,  saying  : 
Lo,  I  know  well   that  it  harmeth  thee  to 
inhale  cigarettes  ;  why  wilt  thou  not  re 
gard  thy  health?     For  my  sake  be  careful, 
for  if  aught  afflicted  thee,  then  would  my 
heart  be  bowed  down  ; 

32  Yet  is  it  not  meet  that  I  should  stand 
between   thee    and   thy   pleasures,    for   I 
know  not  the  ways  of  men,  nor  of  their 
needs.     Far  be  it  from  me  to  restrict  thee 
in  thy  enjoyment. 

33  Yet  I  beseech  thee  to  wear  rubbers, 
and   warm    underwear    thou    must   not 
neglect. 

34  For  thou  must  preserve  thy  strength 
and  beauty.     . 

LAMED 

35  Now  seeth  she  his  bachelor  apart 
ments  where  he  taketh  his  ease  ;  and  she 
marvelleth  at  man's   liberty  and   freedom 


The  Delights  of 


METHUSELAH.  13. 


Bachelorhood 


until  she  saith :  Lo,  would  that  I  were  a. 
man  also,  and  not  a  woman,  for  thy  free 
dom  maketh  me  to  envy  thee  ; 

36  Yet  <who  doeth  thy  mending?  and  thy 
clean  linen,  who  is  there  that  layeth  it 
out?  who  cleaneth  up  thy  room? 

37  Who   attendeth  to  thee  when  thou 
art   sick  ?     Who   holdeth   thy   hand   and 
smootheth   thy   pillow?     For   it   maketh 
me  to  fear  for  thee. 

38  Promise  me  therefore  that  when  thou 
art  stricken  thou  wilt  send  for  rrn,  that  I 
and  my  sister  may  visit  thee  and  do  what 
shall  be  necessary  for  thy  comfort,  and 
we  shall  come  gladly. 

39  And  in  her  own  house  she  sheweth 
him  the  contrast ;  she  maketh  him  to  be 
easy  in  mind  and  in  body :    she  waiteth 
upon  him  with  smiles. 

40  She  adjusteth  the   sofa   pillow,  she 
placeth  his  smoking  materials  at  his  hand, 
she  screeneth  the  light  with  a  red  shade. 
She  giveth  deft  touches. 

41  And   she    saith :    Lo,   how   lo<vely  to 
be  a  man  !     Would  that  I  were  free  also 
that  I  might  come  and  go  unquestioned ; 


Deference  to 


METHUSELAH,  13. 


Mans  Taste 


I  abhor  the  feminine  touch,  and  man's 
simple  taste,  lo,  I  admire  it.  Yea,  put 
thy  feet  upon  the  couch  and  be  comfortable  ; 
strew  thine  ashes  where  thou  wilt,  for  it 
will  keep  the  moths  from  the  rug. 

42  And  the  fool  thinketh  in  his  heart : 
Would  to  God  I  had  this  comfort  ahvay 
and  my  belongings  ever  ready  at  my  hand; 
verily  it  would  be  pleasant  to  be  married, 
and  a  wife  is  a  desirable  thing. 

MEM 

43  She  deferreth  to  his  taste  ;  yea,  she 
maketh  him  to  go  with  her  when  she  se- 
lecteth  her  hat,  and  that  which  she  <wisheth 
she  forceth  him  to  choose  for  her. 

44  She  heedeth  his  words  of  praise  con 
cerning  her  attire,  and  the  gown  he  doth 
not  approve  will  she  not  wear  before  him. 

45  She  flattereth  his  neckties,  she  call- 
eth  his  cuff  links  good. 

NUN 

46  She  provoketh  a  quarrel  ;  yea,  out  of 
thin  air  she  createth  strife  and  disputeth 
with  him. 

47  And  when  he  is  heated,  then  doth 


The  Affectation 


METHUSELAH,  13. 


of  Inferiority 


she  humble  herself,  saying:  Lo,  thou  art 
right.  Let  me  grovel  before  thee ;  ac 
cept  my  apology,  O  lord,  for  I  am  as  nothing 
in  thy  sight. 

48  Upon  her  eyelash  the  tear-drop  trem- 
bleth,   her   lips   are    lovely   with   quiver 
ing  ;   yet  doth  she  not  weep,  nor  do  her 
eyes  grow  red, 

49  For  there  she  draweth  the  line  ;  she 
knoweth  that  she  would  be  ill-favored  and 
it  would  avail  her  nothing. 

SAMECH 

50  She  asketh  his  advice,  and  she  pre- 
tendeth  to  take  it ;    she  steereth  him  cun 
ningly,  saying: 

51  Lo,  I  am  so  impractical,  but  thou  hast 
experience  ;  men  and  life  are  known  unto 
thee,  thou  hast  understanding. 

52  But  I  am  helpless  in  mine  ignorance 
and  in  matters  of  business  I  know  nothing. 
Counsel  thou  me. 

53  And  when  he  hath  spoken  words  of 
wisdom,  she    saith :    Lo,  how  thou   hast 
holpen   me ;   what   would    I    do   without 
thee! 


METHUSELAH,  13. 


Awakening 


AIN 

54  She  boasteth  of  her  happiness  and  the 
simplicity  of  her  relations  with  him,  say 
ing  :  Lo,  I  am  a  bachelor  maid,  I  desire  not 
to  marry;  I  am  contented  and  a  husband  is 
not  necessary  unto  me. 

PE 

55  When  he  feeleth  safe  concerning  her, 
when  he  looketh  upon  her  as  his  property, 
when  he  monopolizeth  her  easily  with 
out  promise   of   marriage,  when  he  hath 
grown  contented, 

56  Then  she  spnngeth   another  man 
upon  him ;    she   dallieth  with  the  hand 
some   stranger,  she  is   seen  in  the   com 
pany  of  callow  youths. 

57  Yet  doth  she  watch  him  privily  and 
her  sisters  tell  her  concerning  him. 

TZADDI 

58  She   disappointeth   him   upon   occa 
sion  ;  he  calleth  and  she  is  out;  he  cannot 
understand  it,  and  his  heart  is  oppressed. 

59  And   when   she   cometh    she   saith : 
Behold,  I  was  detained,  I  simply  tore  to 
get  here,  yet  was  it  impossible  ;  I  grieve 


for  thee,  for  I  did  marvels  that  I  might 
reach  thee  in  time. 

KOPH 

60  She  committeth  an  indiscretion  that 
it  may  bind  them   privily  together ;    she 
relieth  upon  his  honor,  she  is  at  his  mercy 
and  is  fearful. 

RESH 

61  She   provoketh    a    struggle,   and   he 
snatcheth  at  her  fiercely. 

62  And   she    saith  ;    Lo,    I    thought  that 
thou  wert  a  gentleman;   how  darest  thou 
impute  such  and  such  to  me  ;  what  cause 
have  I  given  thee  ? 

63  She  accepteth  his  apology. 

SCHIN 

64  She  interesteth  herself  in  the  women 
he  hath   known  ;    lo,   she    praiseth   them 
mightily,  extolling  his  discernment:    she 
displayeth  magnanimity  and  forgweth  him 
all  things ; 

65  Yet  when  she  is  sure  of  him  she  pre- 
tendeth  to  be  jealous,  she  accuseth  him 
unjustly,  making  a  mock  of  his  friends, 
yea,  she  leadeth  him  a  life. 


Giving  himthe 


METHUSELAH,  14. 


Coup-de-Grac2 


TAU 

66  Now   summoneth    she    him    to    her 
abode  for  his  finish  ;  her  way  is  prepared, 
and  the  end  is  come  ; 

67  She    springeth    her  last   trick    upon 
him,  saying :  Verily,  verily,  mine  heart  is 
troubled, and  I  need  thine  advice,  thou  art 
mine  only  friend.    Lo,  I  am  invited  to  visit 
mine  uncle  in  California  for  six  months, 
and  I  know  not  whether  to  go  or  not. 

68  And  he  persuadeth  her  not  to  go  ;  he 
proposeth  to  her,  and  she  accepteth  him. 

69  HGive  her  then  the  fruit  of  her  hands 
and  let  her  own  works  praise  her,  for  she 
hath  gotten  her  will  and  brought  him  to 
submission. 


Chapter  rto 


I  Four  things  unknowable.  3  Four  things  insatiable. 
6  Three  things  inevitable.  8  Not  to  hurry  women 
in  love.  t4  The  error  of  folly  in  kissing.  The  first 
call.  \1  Ho<u)  men  propose  not  to  be  kno^wn. 

THERE  be  three  things  which  are 
too  difficult  for  me  ;  yea,  four  which 
not; 


Things  unknown 


METHUSELAH,  14. 


and  inexpticabfa 


2  The   way  of  a  woman  with  nerves ; 
the  way  of  a  maid  with  her  dressmaker ; 
the  way  of  a   damsel   bidding   farewell ; 
and  the  way  of  a  matron  who  understand- 
eth  the  speech  of  babes. 

3  C^There  be  three  things  which  never 
satisfy   a   woman  ;   yea,  four  which   say 
not :  //  is  enough. 

4  Her  photograph  ;    and  the  fit  of  her 
raiment ;  a  novel  with  a  sad  end  ;  and  the 
wooing  of  her  lover. 

5  For  it  is  easier  to  find  a  woman  satis 
fied  with  her  mirror  than  a  maiden  con 
tent  with  all  her  names.      For  Susan 
desireth  to  be  called  Huldah,  and  Sarah, 
Deborah. 

6  4H,Two  things  a  woman  saith  on  part 
ing  ;  yea,  three  speeches  are  necessary  to 
her: 

7  Lo,  I  have  had  such  a  charming  time  ; 
and :   It  is  so  good  of  thee  to  have  asked 
me  ;  and  :  Now  do  come  and  see  us. 

8  ^JHurry  not  a  woman's  favor  ;  neither 
force   her   hastily   to   surrender   to   thee. 
For  she  goeth  into  love  as  she  goeth  into 
the  waters  at  the  seashore; 


Falling  in  Love 


METHUSELAH,  14. 


Of  Introductions 


9  First  a  hand  and  then  a  lip  goeth  she 
in  by  littles.     She  diveth  not,  she  leapeth 
not  from  the  pier  ;    but  by  gentle  shocks 
and  cries  of  protest  she  entereth  slowly  ; 

10  Yet  when  the  waters  of  love  encom 
pass    her,   then    is    she    supported.      She 
swimmeth    in  her   joy ;    she  floateth   on 
the  tide  of  happiness. 

11  For  all  her  lines  are  drawn  in  pleas 
ant  places. 

12  HSon,  when    thou    callest   upon    a 
damsel   for  the  first  time,  see  that  thou 
goest  alone  ;   for  a  first  call  often  bringeth 
forth   a   miracle.     Hunt  not   in   couples, 
lest  thou  gettest  not  acquainted. 

13  Eschew    letters    of    introduction, 
which  are  the  methods  of  fools.     Be  sure 
she   desireth   thee,    and   visit   her   alone. 
She  will  receive  thee  willingly. 

14  4HThe  fool  trieth  a  maid  with  wiles 
before  he  kisseth.     He  toucheth  her  hand 
privily,  he  sitteth  more  near.     But  yet  a 
bolder  one  feareth  not;   he  jumpeth  up, 
he  runneth  across  the  chamber  and  fall- 
eth  upon  her  with  suddenness,  ere  she  is 
aware.     She  is  astonied, 


Value  of  Instinct 


ME' 


15  And  she  slappeth  his  face. 

16  But  the  man  of  understanding  heed- 
eth  a  sign.     It  is  revealed  to  him  what  he 
shall  do.     When  he  becometh  three  parts 
sure,  then  he  proceedeth.     For  the  three 
parts  are  even  this  damsel,  and  the  fourth 
is  all  women. 

17  UNo  man  knoweth  how  another  man 
maketh  his  love,  for  women  tell  not.    But 
women    know   well    of    women's    ways ; 
if  a  man  love,  he  telleth  much. 

18  Though  a  woman  be  as  honest  as  a 
child  before  company,  yet  will  she  lie  to 
the  man  she  loveth. 


Chapter  r 


J  Proper  consideration  to  be  shewn  towards  women 
in  love.  6  Women's  rivalry.  9  The  proper  time 
to  be  chosen  for  propolis;  when  ill-advised  JO  and 
when  fitting.  J4  Engaged  women  lose  frie-  ds 
swiftly. 

Y  son,  if  a  woman  confesseth  that 
she  love  thee  and  thou  lovest 
not  her,  leave  her  not,  forsake 


M 


Frailties  forgot 


METHUSELAH,  15. 


Women's  Reoalry 


her  not  in  her  anguish  ;  make  her  to  laugh, 
and  let  thy  conduct  be  merry. 

2  Yet  when  she  saith  :  I  have  repented 
of  my  folly,  forget  thy  pride  and  be  glad  ; 
remind  her  not  of  her  words,  be  thy  mouth 
shut  upon  her  "weakness  aforetime. 

3  Some  women  are  to  be  captured  by 
storm  and   some  taken  by  siege  ;   yet  if 
there  be  not  a  traitor  in  her  heart  that 
shall  deliver  up  the  garrison,  thou  shalt 
not  prevail  over  her. 

4  C£I  say  unto  thee  :  Verily,  not  every 
woman  that  looketh  like  a  maiden  going 
to  a   tea   is   a   typewriter ;    for   some  are 
maidens  going  to  a  tea. 

5  If,  when  thou  callest,  a  woman  ask- 
eth    thee    concerning   thy    goings-in    and 
comings-out,  and   what  thou  doest,  take 
heed,  for  she  thinketh  of  other  things  ;  she 
prepareth  herself  to  work  thee. 

6  4H.I   have    watched    the    rivalry    of 
maidens    at   the    summer    hotel,   yea,   at 
the  seashore  have  I  regarded  their  strife. 
Yet  could  I  not  judge   a  damsel's  popu 
larity  by  the   flowers   she   received ;    for 
verily,  it  may  be  her  mother  who  sendeth 


ss  misjudged         METHUSELAH,  15. 


-When  to  propose 


them,  and  the  old  man  footeth  the  bills. 

7  For  the  rivalry'  of  women  is  visited 
upon  their  children  to  the  third  and  fourth 
generation. 

8  Son,  be  not  deceived  by  the  undemon 
strative,  for  a  woman  of  ice  may  desire  to 
be  wooed  with  ardor  ;  and  she  who  stand- 
eth  apart    hath  her  own  opinion  of   the 
laggard  lover. 

9  ^Propose  not  to  a  woman  when  she 
hath  gotten  a  new  frock,  nor  when  she  is 
puffed  up  with  victories  ;  when  she  reign- 
eth  and  rejoiceth  in  her  nour  of  triumph, 

I    come  not  nigh  unto  her  ; 

10  But  when  she  be  ill  or  weary,  when 
she  is  cast  down  in  spirit  and  needeth  a 

\comforter,  then  be  thou  ready,  and  make 
thy  suit. 

11  After  she  hath  walked  far  and  rest- 
;    eth,  while  the  storm  gathereth  and  the 

thunders  are  loosed  in  the  heavens,  while 
she  listeneth  to  fair  music,  when  the  wine 
cup  is  emptied,  then  shalt  thou  have  thy 
way  with  her. 

12  And  a  wedding  in  haste  is  worth  two 
at  leisure. 


Fiancees  mocked 


METHUSELAH,  16. 


A  teasing  Woman 


13  If  she   dresseth  her  hair  in  a  new 
fashion,  some    one   hath   great   influence 
over  her ;    and  if  he  shaveth  his  beard, 
there  is  a  reason. 

14  When  a  damsel  becometh  engaged, 
lo,  she  breaketh  many  charms  ;  and  her 
life-long  friends   discuss  her.      Yea,  her 
dearest    sisters    laugh    and    whisper    in 
scorn.  ' 

15  Is  her  ring  wished  on?    Peradventure 
it  may  be  but  to  test  thy  strength. 

16  Who  can   withstand   a  maid  of   ten 
years?     Behold,  she  hath  many  uncles. 


Chapter  jfot 


J  General  observations  concerning  women.  3  The 
first  kiss.  7  Men  pleased  at  their  own  follies 
8  and  wisdom.  9  Women's  aging.  J3  Her  econ 
omies.  16  The  cheap  wovan. 

EVEN  as  one  who  wipeth  his  hands 
upon  a  new  towel,  as  flypaper  to 
the  bare  feet,  so  is  a  woman  who 
asketh  thee  continually  if  thou  lovest  her. 
2  Gum  may  be  removed  from  the  hair, 
and  ink  under  the  thumbnail  will  in  time 


Diners  Counsels 


METHUSELAH,  16. 


Man's  Ignorance 


pass  away;  but  she  who  talketh  too  loudly 
in  the  street  car  cannot  be  changed. 

3  A  maiden's  first  kiss  cometh  hard, yea, 
it  is  as  the  first  olive  out  of  a  bottle,  re 
quiring  much  skill ;  but  the  rest  are  easy. 

4  As  a  hot  drink  on  a  sleighride,  so  is 
a    woman   who    asketh    not   troublesome 
questions. 

5  The    education   of   a    fair   damsel   is 
pleasant;  yea,  it   rejoiceth   the   heart   of 
man  to  give  counsel  to  her  and  to  teach 
her  in  new  ways. 

6  A  man  may  be  square,  because  of  the 
opinion  of  his  brothers  ;  but  if  a  woman 
be  white,  she  alone  is  to  be  praised. 

7  C^Son,  when  thou  art  old  it  will  please 
thee  more  to  remember  the  duties  thou 
hast  neglected  for  love  of  women,  than  all 
thine  honors. 

8  The  bachelor  thinketh  he  understand- 
eth  women,  knowing  a  little  of  many  ;  and 
the  husband  is  wise  in  his  own  conceit, 
knowing   much   of    one  ;    but   a    woman 
holdeth  them  equal  in  folly. 

9  4jEven  as  one  who  putteth  the  mu 
cilage  brush  into  the  ink  bottle,  so  is  he 


•TIC 


Women 


METHUSELAH,  16. 


Their  Economies 


who  saith  unto  a  woman :  Beloved,  how 
young  thou  lookest  to-day  ;  how  well  thou 
appearest ! 

10  HWhen  she  enjoyeth  not  all  people, 
when    she   scanneth    her    mirror    in    the 
morning,  when  she  seeketh  the  youth  of 
the  land  to  enslave  them:  these  are  the 
stages  of  her  aging. 

11  Who  is  more  staid  than  the  damsel 
of  twenty-three  ?     Lo,  she  scorneth   the 
world,  she  writeth  cynically  in  her  jour 
nal,  she  spitteth  the  ashes  of  joy  from 
her  mouth,  she  talketh  wisely  to  the  old 
men  and  scorneth  babes, 

12  Yet  in  another  year  she  returneth  to 
embroidered  lingerie,  she  danceth  the 
two-step  with  ardor,  she   writeth   many 
letters. 

13  C^O,  marvellous  are  women's  ways, 
and  most  wonderful  are  her  economies. 

14  On    cheap     underwear     and     on 
cheap    stockings    and    cheap    boots    she 
economizeth,   yea,    from    the    bargain 
counter   she   selecteth    her    gloves  ;    but 
on  her  hats  she  throweth  her  substance 
away. 


The  Thoroughbred 


METHUSELAH,  16.         The  cheap  Worn* 


15  But  at  the  marked-down  sale  there 
are  no  veils  found. 

16  d.The  thoroughbred  is  wonderful  to 
me;  but  a  cheap  woman  is  an  abomina 
tion  in  mine  eyes ; 

17  She  weareth  a  solitaire  moonstone 
ring,  and  she  cleaneth  it  not, 

18  She  weareth  a  fascinator  ever  upon 
sleighrides, 

19  She  keepeth  three  hats  going,  yea, 
their   progress    is    relentless ;    as   scarlet 
changeth  to  mauve  and  mauve  changeth  to 
magenta,  so  her  hats  change  alway.     For 
last  year's  best   becometh   this   season's 
every-day  hat,  and  this  year's  every-day 
becometh  next  year's  rainy-day  hat ;  yea, 
though  it  be  of  blue  tulle,  withal,  its  course 
is  fixed  and  changeth  not  in  its  progression. 

20  She  putteth  on  an  old  silk  waist  for 
her   housework,    and   the   fresh   morning 
gown  knoweth  her   not. 

21  Her  white  gloves  are  soiled  alway  ; 
and  the  button  leaveth  her  boots. 

22  She    weareth   Louis    Quinze   slippers 
that  are  run  over  at  the  heels  ;  she  hath 
a  hole  in  her  stocking. 


t    & 


THE    DAMSEL    YEARNETH     FOR     CHIVALRY,   BUT    THE 
MATRON    DESIRETH    IMPERTINENCE,    (xvii.  3.; 


Virtues 


METHUSELAH,  17. 


23  Her  Jaegers  bulge  at  her  shoe  tops  ; 
her  placket  gapeth  open,  causing  men  to 
turn  away  their  heads. 


Chapter  r\m 


( 


\  Women  indiscreet  in  anger.   3  Age  changeth " 

point  of  cuiecw.  5  Woman's  sameness.  6  Her 
abandon  and  inertia.  8  Di<vers  tastes  and  prefer 
ences  common  to  all  women.  J6  Effect  of  broken 
hearts. 

WHO  can  find  a  consistent 
woman?  Where  is  she  who 
spitteth  not  secrets  in  her  wrath  ? 

2  When  thou  hast  quarrelled  with  her 
and  she  hath  not  belied  thee  to  thy  friends, 
then  mayest  thou  say :  She  is  a  gentleman, 
yea,  she  is  whiter  than  snow. 

3  HThe  damsel  yearneth  for  chivalry, 
but  the  matron  desireth  impertinence. 

4  And  no  woman  answereth  an  impor 
tant   question   in   less   than   eleven    score 
words. 

5  HMy    son,    wouldst   thou    know 
women  ?     Incline  thine  ear  unto  my  say 
ings,  for  the  women  of  the  Pison  are  like 


Observations  on 


METHUSELAH,  17. 


feminine  Fancie. 


unto  those  of  the  Gihon,  and  what  the 
damsels  of  the  Hiddekel  think,  so  think 
they  of  the  Euphrates. 

6  UShe  is  like  a  stone  on  the  hilltop, 
difficult  to  be  moved. 

7  Yet   when    she    is   once    started    she 
goeth  fast  and  far  ;  no  man  knoweth  her 
end. 

8  UShe  believeth  that  all  men  are  vain 
and  easy  to  be  flattered. 

9  Suffer  her,   then,  in  this  belief,  that 
she   may   discover   to  thee   her  cunning; 
her  'ways  shall  be  made  plain. 

10  Her  heart  is  older  than  her  head  ; 
yea,  her   emotion  is  the   mother   of  her 
reason. 

11  She  remembereth  anniversaries  even 
to  the  day  thereof ;  and  by  thy  memory 
shall  thy  love  be  measured. 

12  She  desireth   many  things,  and  she 
is  happy  till  she  getteth  them. 

13  Two  things  she  holdeth  dear,  mys 
tery  and  mastery. 

14  Two   things  she   cannot   resist   in  a 
man,  sentiment,  for  she  hath  it  in  store, 
and  honesty,  for  she  hath  naught  of  it. 


A  Parable  of 


METHUSELAH,  18.          a.  Woman's  Shame 


15  She  holdeth  a  comely  youth  is  he 
who  knoweth  it  not,  and  a  subtile  man  is 
one  who  provideth  her  with  good  excuses. 

16  4HShe   jesteth   not  at  love  until  her 
heart  be  broken ;  and  an  unmarried  dam 
sel  getteth  much  experience. 


Chapter  rMt 


\  The  Patriarch  in  three  parables  sheweth  the  work 
ings  of  woman's  conscience  as  to  shame  f  8  finan 
cial  obligations,  and  J3  truth. 

ON  the  banks  of  the  Tigris,  I  came 
upon  a  pair  kissing  ;  of  a  sudden 
I  caught  them  unaware ;  and  I 

marvelled  ; 

2  For  the  woman  was  as  bold  as  a 
lioness  with  her  whelp,  shame  was  not 
in  her  ;  but  the  man  was  embarrassed, 


yea, 


he  was  much  rattled. 


3  And   I  spake  to  the  damsel,  saying  : 
Wherefore    art   thou    not    ashamed,  and 
why  dost  thy  heart  beat  not? 

4  And    she    answered,    saying:    Lo, 
when  he  first  kissed  me,  ihen  was  I  full 


A  Parable  of 


METHUSELAH,  18. 


Women  s  Honor 


of  shame,  and  my  heart  beat  sore  ;  I  cast 
down  my 'head ; 

5  But  now  it  is  over;    behold,  I  have 
succumbed ;  my  heart  hath  surrendered 
utterly,   and  I  care  not; 

6  Can  one  lose  all  twice  ?     In  that  day 
was   I  ashamed  because  of  my  defeat; 
what  worse  can  befall  me  ? 

7  Though  thou  judgest  me,  I  care  not, 
neither  am  I  ashamed  ;  for  I  have  judged 
myself.     For  I  fear  myself  only, 'and  by 
mine  own  eyes  was  I  discovered. 

8  C^Now  there  were  four  women  by  the 
river  Tigris,  and  to  each  of  them  I  lent 
fifty  shekels. 

9  And  the  first  damsel  said  unto  her 
self  :   Lo,  I  will  not  repay  him,  for  he  is 
richer  than  I ;  he  can  afford  it.     And  she 
paid  me  not. 

10  And  the  second  damsel  said:    Lo, 
said  he  not  that   he  was    in    no    hurry? 
Sometime  will  I  repay,  but  not  now.     And 
she  made  no  mention  of  her  debt,  neither 
did  she  ever  pay  me. 

11  And  the  third  damsel  suffered  much, 
for  she  was  in  hard  luck  ;  so  she  came  to 


A  Parable  of 


METHUSELAH,  18.        a  Woman's  Honesty 


me,  saying  :  Behold,  much  would  I  like  to 
repay  thee,  but  I  have  not  the  wherewithal ; 
yet  have  I  not  forgotten  thy  kindness  to 
me.  Surely,  I  will  pay  thee  on  Monday. 

12  But  the   fourth  damsel  paid  me  in 
full  measure  ;   on  the  next  Saturday  dis 
charged  she  her  debt. 

13  ^Behold,    there    was    a    married 
woman,  and  she  had  a  friend  ;  and  her 
husband    knew   him,   and    regarded    him 
not,  being  exceeding  fond. 

14  And  on  a  day  the  young  man  wrote  to 
the  matron,  saying  :    Come  thou  to  lunch 
with  me  on  Wednesday,  and  we  will  eat 
together;  at  the  restaurant  will  I  meet  thee. 

15  So  she  met  him  and  they  lunched 
together  ;  and  their  discourse  was  virtu 
ous  and  without  evil. 

16  But  that  night  she  said  to  her  hus 
band  :   Lord,  to-day,  as  I  walked  in  town, 
I  happened  to    meet    my    friend,    and    he 
invited  me  to  eat;  and  I  went  with  him. 

17  And    her    husband    said  :    All  right, 
and  he  opened  his  paper. 

18  HFor  in  a  woman's  eyes  a  lie  is  but 
a  half-truth. 


An  Exhortation 


METHUSELAH,  19. 


to  observe  Tad 


Chapter  JTI 


\  Howwomen  are  successfully  to  be  flattered.  9  Sign 
of  a  <woman  in  love.  JO  Women's  reasons. 
J3  Woman's  nape  not  indicative.  17  How  she 
burneth  her  most  interesting  letters.  J9  Of  poker. 
20  Of  f reward  <women. 


M 


Y  son,  wouldst  thou  flatter 
women?  Observe  my  wisdom, 
and  be  not  afraid  with  sudden 
fear.  For  a  woman  is  as  a  foolish  conun 
drum,  having  no  answer. 

2  Talk  seriously  with  a  silly  damsel ; 
but  with  a  wise  virgin  mayest  thou   be 
light-minded. 

3  And  the  matron  shalt  thou  call  im 
pudently   by  her    given    name,   that    she 
forget  her  years. 

4  Praise   not    a  woman  for  what   she 
hath,  but  for  what  she  hath  not,  and  thy 
reward  shall  be  exceeding  great ; 

5  A  witty  woman  for  her  beauty,  and 
a    comely    damsel    for    her    intellect ;    a 
wise  woman  for  her  jests,  and  a  frivol 
ous  maid  for  her  literary  criticism; 


METHUSELAH,  19. 


and  Back-hair 


6  A    pianist    for    her    cookery,    and 
housewife  for  her  mathematics,  so  shalt 
thou  praise  them  ; 

7  But  the  mother  of  one  babe  shall  be 
flattered  through  that  alone,  for  there  the 
straight  way  lieth. 

8  For  I  give  thee  good  doctrine  ;  for 
sake  not  my  law. 

9  CLUnless    she    telleth    thee    all   she 
knoweth,  the    uttermost   love    is    not   in 
her,  and  she  shall  escape  thee  privily. 

10  C^When  she  giveth  thee  many  rea 
sons,  lo,   she   can  be    persuaded ;    if   she 
giveth    thee    but    one    only,    cease    thy 
supplication. 

11  When  she  ceaseth  from  calling  thee 
by  thy  surname,  when  she  calleth  thee 
you,  then  be  on  thy  guard,  for  this  is  the 
end  of  formality. 

12  When  she  leadeth  thee  on  to  talk 
of  thyself,  she  hath  one  of  two  motives 
withal :  admiration  or  contempt. 

13  CJudge   not  a  woman's    beauty   in 
the  street  by  the  back  of  her  head,  lest 
the  wise  man  scorn  thee. 

14  A  flattering  deed  is  worth  many  com- 


METHUSELAH,  19. 


pliments  ;  and  a  pleasing  letter  worketh 
wonders. 

15  Two  kinds  of  women  there  be  who 
smoke  cigarettes  :  she  who  wisheth  to, 
and  she  who  wisheth  two. 

16  When  she  is  least  sure  she  is  most 
decided,  and  a   stubborn   woman   is  oft- 
times   mistaken. 

17  CtUntil    she    sendeth    thee    these 
words,   thou   hast  not  won   her  :    Three 
letters  have  I  written  thee,  and  burned 
them  with  fire,  for  my  heart  misgave  me. 

18  She  who  is  engaged  to  thee  should 
have  none  other  engagements. 

19  C£My  son,  ere  thou  takest  to  thyself 
a  wife,  engage  her  in  a  game   of  poker, 
and  much  shall  be  revealed. 

20  CI^Hear  the   instruction  of  a  lover, 
and  attend  to  know  understanding,  for  of 
women  have    I    known    upward    of   five 
hundred,  fifty  and  five,  in  the  days  of  my 
youth  ;  and  my  fame  was  mighty  in  the 
land. 

21  If   thou   wouldst   be    a   judge    of 
women,  the  worst   as  well  as  the  best 
shouldst  thou  know. 


>The  Ways  of 


METHUSELAH,  20. 


f r<yward  Women 


22  For  the  woman  who  wottest  least 
is  even  as  she  whose  heart  is  blackest; 
and  the  angel   and  devil  are  as  sisters, 
to  one  ivUhout  experience. 

23  For  wickedness  weareth  the  cloak 
of  innocence,  and  the  baby  stare  gazeth 
from   the    froward   woman's   eyes.     She 
hungereth    after  the  callow  youth  ;    she 
studieth  his  ways  and  walketh  humbly. 

24  She  pretendeth  to  be  shocked,  she 
casteth  down  her  eyes ;    she   delighteth 
to  be  instructed. 

25  She    laugheth    in    her    sleeve,   she 
amuseth  herself  with  his  innocence;  and 
<when  he  is  gone  she  telleth  his  follies. 


Chapter 


I  In  a  parable  Methuselah  shecweth  ho*w  ihe  shameless 
cajole  men  9  and  ho<w  ignorance  endureth  unnec 
essary  pains.  J4  Hoiv  'women' s  politeness  leadeih 
them  astray. 

EVERY  way  of  a  maid  with  a  man 
is    subtile ;    yea,    it    is    exceeding 
wise.     As  she  worketh   her  new 
garments,  sewing  upon  the   inside  so  it 


METHUSELAH,  20. 


a.  foxy  Virgin 


may  not  be  seen  from  the  outside,  so  she 
cworketh  him.  And  when  her  work  is 
completed,  she  entereth  and  taketh 
possession. 

2  4JI    observed    her   on   a   dark  night, 
when  she  walked  abroad  with  her  young 
man,  and  she  wore  not  her  white  shirt 
waist  ;    nay,  it  was  of   sombre  hue,  thai 
men  mighi  not  see  her. 

3  For    she    had   succeeded  not  in  her 
wiles  upon  the  golf  links,  nor  in  the  ball 
room,  nor  upon  the  piazza,  for  he  feared 
her  much ;  yea,  he  was  timid,  being  simple 
and  free  from  guile. 

4  But  she  said  in  her  heart:  Lo,  what 
shall  I  do  that  he  may  be  emboldened  ?    I 
will  lead  him  beneath  a  tree  to  rest  in  its 
shade,  and  I  will  sit  beside  him,  meekly. 

5  And   it   was   a    dark    night    of    stars, 
having  no  moon. 

6  Then  said  that  damsel :  I  <would  that 
there  were  a  moon,  that  it  might  shed  its 
light  upon  us  ; 

7  And  he  answered  her,  saying :  Thank 
heavens  there  is  not  a  moon.    And  he  drew 
nearer. 


METHUSELAH,  20. 


three  Damsels 


8  And   she   smiled   to  herself,  saying: 
Now   is   my   time    come ;    long  have    I 
awaited. 

9  CLNow  there  were  three  damsels  sit 
ting  on  three  chairs,  and  each  damsel  had 
a  youth  beside  her; 

18  And  each  youth  placed  his  arm  along 
the  back  of  his  damsel's  seat,  privily;  and 
each  damsel  observed  his  act,  keeping  her 

counsel. 

11  And  the  first  damsel  waxed  <wroth  at 
the  youth's  impertinence  ;  and  she  leaned 
back.     Then   with   her   eyes   she   darted 
fierce  glances  at  him,  so  that  he  was  re 
buked  ;  and  he  took  away  his  arm. 

12  And  the  second  damsel  was  rejoiced 
in  her  youth's  ardor  ;  she  leaned  back  and 
enjoyed   herself.      And    the    young   man 
withdrew  not  his  arm. 

13  But   the   third   damsel    knew   not 
whether  she  was  pleased  or  whether  to 
wax  wroth,  for  she  was  one  without  ex 
perience.     So  she  made  no  sign,  pretend 
ing  not  to  notice  ;  and  she  sat  erect  all  the 
evening,  suffering. 

14  C.Like   the   alarm-clock   that  goeth 


Parable  of  a 


METHUSELAH,  20. 


foolish  Matron 


off  at  7  A.  M.,  so  is  she  who  saith :  I  told 
you  so ! 

15  But  a  woman  who  dallieth   and   is 
tardy,  she  is  like   an   upper   step  which 
is  not  upon  the  stair,  causing  one  to  be 
vexed. 

16  4jAnd  I  called  upon   a   matron ;    at 
her   house   I  paid  my  visit,  and  I  found 
a  bore  thereat. 

17  And  he  stayed. 

18  While    his    back    was    turned    she 
yawned   in  her  kerchief,   wishing  he 
might  take  his  way  and  depart ;   for  she 
desired  much  to  be  alone  with  me. 

19  And  it  came  to  pass  that  after  many 
hours  he  arose  to  depart ;   yea,  he  took 
his  hat  and  stood  talking  ; 

20  And   lo,  the  matron   began   to  gush 
mightily  with  gossip,  telling  him  tales ; 
with   many  words    she    beguiled   him  so 
that  he  stood  upon  one  foot  and  the  other, 
striving  to  say  farewell.     And  she  talked 
an  hour,  seeking  to  conceal  her  shame. 

21  And  I  wondered  mightily. 


METHUSELAH,  21. 


of  Busy-bodies 


Chapter  jrjrf 


\  Methuselah,  in  an  example  of  his  own  experience 
she<weth  3  how  women  and  6  men  behave  at 
dinner  parties  and  8  after  leaving  the  table. 
\  \  Men's  silence  and  14  how  -women  lie  in  <wait 
for  interesting  men. 

NOW  at  the  window  of  mine  house, 
I  looked  through  my  casement, 
2  And   behold,   a   table    spread, 
with  men  and  women  sitting  thereat; 

3  And  lo,  every  woman  flirted  with  her 
neighbor,  and  the  men  flirted  with  them  ; 
two  and  two  flirted  they  until  the  coffee 
was  served  ;  and  I  regarded  them. 

4  And  every  woman  watched  the  other 
women  privily,   and  made   note  of   their 
progress,  who  were  in  love,  and  who  in 
boredom,  and  who  quarrelled  withal. 

5  Out  of  the  corners  of  their  eyes  they 
observed  all  things  that  were  done  at  the 
table,  but  they  made  no  sign ;  they  flirted 
continually. 

6  But  behold,  the  men  were  as  blind, 
each  regarding  his  partner  and  none  other  ; 


METHUSELAH,  21. 


Divers  Theories 


he  attended  each  to  his  own  affair,  he 
looked  straightly,  minding  his  business, 
and  in  no  'wise  observing  the  others  at 
the  table. 

7  Now    coffee    was    served,    and    the 
women  left  the   men,  going  up   to  their 
apartment  and  to  the  mirrors  thereof. 

8  And  behold,  the  women  gossiped  one 
to  another   of   the  men,  saying   untruth, 
and  they  questioned    each   other   withal, 
and  called  their  rivals  honied  names. 

9  And  they  waited  for  the  men. 

10  But  lo,  the  men  smoked  together  and 
took  their  ease,  holding  wise  converse. 

11  But   no  man  talked  of   the   women 
in  that  house,  nor  mentioned  the  name 
of  any  woman,    nor    spake    they   one    of 
another's,  flirting. 

12  And  the  time  went  merrily,  withal, 
no  man  desiring  to  leave  the  table  nor  the 
cigars  thereof. 

13  Until  the  host  spake,  saying:  It  is 
time,  for  the  ladies  await  us.     Then  went 
the  men  into   the  drawing-room  of   that 
house  slowly. 

14  And  the  women  awaited  them  with 


92 


Final  Cautions 


M: 


smiles,  watching  the   door,    seeing   who 
would  be  captured. 

15  And  she  who  was  upon  the  couch  in 
the    drawing-room    made    room    for    the 
guest  of  honor,  and  he  came  and  sate  by 
her,  basking  in  her  light. 

16  And  the  other  women  smiled,  saying 
nothing,    yet    their    brains    coined    swift 
thoughts. 

17  CI^Give    her    then    the    fruit    of    her 
hands,  and  let  her  own  works  praise  her 
in  the  congregations  of  the  elect; 

18  For  such  is  the  way  of   a  woman; 
she  winketh  or  sheddeth  a  tear,,  and  saith: 
I  have  done  no  wickedness. 

19  Seeing  that  in  her  eyes  there  is  but 
one  thing  worth  considering,  whether  it 
be  her  love  or  another's. 

20  C^The  words  of  Methuselah,  son  of 
Enoch,  in    the   nine    hundred,    sixty   and 
ninth  year  of  his  age,  to  his  great  grand 
son  Shem,  at  his  coming  of  age, 

21  That  he  might  know  women  and  be 
instructed  in  his  loves. 


SELAH. 


CONCORDANCE 


Concordance 


Acquainted,  how  to  become,  i :  14. 
Admiration,  a  sign  of,  19:  12. 
Advice  asked,  not  taken,  13:  50. 
Aging,  signs  of  a  woman's,  16:  10. 
Agony,  how  a  woman  bears,  6:  8. 
Alarm  clock,  woman  like,  20:  14. 
Alike,  all  women,  17  :  5. 
Allies,  alLmen  are,  i :  9. 
Alone,  wildness  of  woman,  4:  6. 
Ammunition  exhausted  by  women,  2:  13. 
Angel  and  Devil  sisters,  19:  22. 

or  Devil,  woman  either,  12:  10. 

Anniversaries,  woman  remembers,  17:  n. 
Anxious,  making  men,  13  :  56. 
Apology  offered  man,  13 :  47. 
Appraising  costumes,  8:  19. 
Arm  on  back  of  chair,  20:  9-13. 
Attire  approved  by  man,  13  :  43  ;  6  :  12. 

women  criticise,  n  :  20. 

Authority  on  dress,  every  woman,  n  :  20. 
Awkward  questions,  women  who  ask,  16:  4. 

Babe,  mother  of  one,  19:  7. 
Babes  extolled  overmuch,  9:  10. 
Baby  photograph  desired,  13:  28;  6:  13. 
Baby-talk  incomprehensible,  14 :  a. 


7&r 


Bachelor  apartment,  13:  35. 

Bachelor  maid,  13:  54. 

Bachelors  understand  women,  16:  8. 

Back  of  woman's  head,  19  :  13. 

Bad  women  necessary  to  be  known,  19  :  21, 

Bargain  counter,  women  at,  16:  14. 

Bathroom,  how  to  judge  by,  10:  7. 

Beauty,  how  not  to  judge,  19:  13. 

how  women  rejoice  in,  4:  13. 

Beer,  making  him  open,  13  :  26. 
Bird  in  hand,  women  prefer,  7:  14. 
Blushes  not  to  be  noticed,  2:  18. 
Books,  woman  reads  man's,  13  :  24. 
Bores,  how  sometimes  treated,  20 : 16-21. 
Broken  heart  causes  despair,  7:  16. 

causes  jesting,  17  :  16. 

Brothers,  value  of  having,  4:  8. 
Business,  interest  in  his,  13:  22. 
Butcher's  shop,  fly  in,  2  :  12. 

Cabfare,  how  obtained,  3 :  5. 
Calf-love,  married  woman  best  for,  2:  2. 
Call,  the  third,  13:  15. 
Callowness,  dangers  of,  19:  23-25. 
Calls,  regularity  in,  to  be  avoided,  3 :  13. 
Captxired,  ways  women  are,  15:  3. 
Car  door,  shutting,  9:  13. 
Chaperones,  flirting  with,  3  :  12. 
Chaste  woman,  how  to  treat,  8:  5. 
Cheap  woman,  signs  of,  16:  16-23. 
Child,  man  treated  as,  3  :  6. 

to  give  birth  to,  10:  4,  5. 

Chivalry,  damsels  yearn  for,  17:  3. 
Cigar,  women  like  leaky,  2:  n. 


CONCORDANCE 


i 


Cigarette,  habit  feared,  13:  31. 

the  first,  ii :  g. 

Cigarettes,  how  women  smoke,  19:  15. 

Cipher,  letters  written  in,  2  :  15. 

Comb  with  hair,  10:  i. 

Comely  damsel,  how  flattered,  19:  5. 

Comely  youth,  17:  15. 

Comfortable,  woman  makes  man,  13:  39-41. 

Commandments  of  a  fond  woman,  7 :  3. 

Competition  eschewed,  8 :  7. 

Complexion,  doubt  of  a  good,  10  :  3. 

Compliment  turned  to  insult,  n  :  26. 

Comradeship,  woman  pretends  to  want,  13:  19. 

Confidante,  the  universal,  7  :  7. 

Confide  in  one  woman  only,  12  : 4-7. 

Confidence  used  as  trick,  13  : 13. 

Conscience,  n  :  i  ;  18: 1-18. 

Consistent  woman,  17:  i. 

Contemporaries,  not  to  introduce,  i  :  8. 

Contempt,  sign  of,  19  :  12. 

Contraries,  woman  goes  by,  7: 15. 

Conversation,  bad  topics  for,  2  :  5. 

Convincing  herself,  woman's,  n  :  21. 

Corset,  black,  an  abomination,  10:  i. 

Costumes,  women  appraise,  8  :  19. 

wear  revealing,  4  : 15. 

Couch  cushion,  lesson  of,  10  :  9,  10. 
Curiosity  as  to  love,  woman's,  2  :  6. 
Curling  locks,  2  :  16. 
Cushion,  woman  like  leaky,  4 :  7. 


Darkness,  deeds  of,  10:8. 
Dear,  heisafB:i. 


Debts,  how  women  pay,  18  :  8-12. 

Deceived,  no  harm  in  being,  12  :  8-10. 

Decided,  women  least  sure  when,  19  : 16  ;  n  :  21. 

Defeat,  woman's  victory  is  in,  6 :  7. 

Desire  many  things,  women,  17  :  12. 

Devil  and  angel  sisters,  19  :  22. 

woman  a  possible,  12 :  10. 

Dinner,  a  noisy,  2  : 17. 

party,  parable  of,  21 :  1-16. 

Discovery  not  always  mortifying,  18  : 1-7. 
Discrimination  learned  by  propinquity,  2  :  3. 
"  Don't !  "  used  by  foolish  damsels,  4  : 10. 
Dressmaker,  way  with,  14:2. 
Duties,  pleasant,  neglected,  16  :  7. 

Easy,  all  women,  12  :  3. 

Economies  of  women,  16:  13-15. 

Education  of  damsels  pleasant,  16  :  5. 

Eel  in  bathtub,  women  like,  8 :  6. 

Embarrassed,  women  not  easily,  18  : 1-7. 

Emotion  the  mother  of  reason,  17  : 10. 

Enemies,  all  women,  i :  9. 

Engaged  maidens  forget  previous  loves,  n  :  5. 

laughed  at,  15  : 14. 

obligations  of,  19  :  18. 

Excuse,  women  should  be  offered,  10  :  15 ;  17  : 15, 
Experience,  fools  despise,  i :  3. 

man  judges  by  his  own,  n  :  n. 

of  unmarried  maidens,  17  : 16. 

Fair  maiden,  ways  of,  7  :  12. 

False,  all  women  not,  12  :  8. 

Farewells,  how  women  delay,  20  : 16-21 ;  14 :  2. 

Fat,  women  afraid  of  becoming,  10:  2. 


CONCORDANCE 


Fear  of  women,  I  13. 

Figure,  danger  of  a  perfect,  10:  3. 

value  of  a  perfect,  2: 16. 

Financial  obligations,  women's,  18:8-12. 
Fireplace,  maiden  repressed  like,  12  :  2. 
First  call  to  be  made  alone,  14  :  12. 
First  kiss,  how  salved,  3  : 14,  15. 
Fit,  women  not  satisfied  with,  14:  4. 
Flattered,  men  easy  to  be,  17  :  9. 
Flattering  women,  n  :  14;  19  :  1-7. 
Flattery,  when  injudicious,  16  :  9. 
Flirtation,  end  of,  2  :  21. 

must  be  original,  8 :  4. 

preposterous,  5  :  8. 

Fly  on  sticky  paper,  woman  like,  n  :  23. 

woman  like  pet,  2: 12. 

Fool  women,  how  to,  10:6. 

Foolish  women,  how  treated,  8  :  5. 

Fools  despise  experience,  I  :  3. 

Formality,  end  of,  19:  n. 

Fort,  man  like,  8  :  6. 

Fortune-telling,  women  always  believe,  4  :  3. 

Frankness  condones  lying,  n  :  4. 

of  f reward  women,  n  :  10. 

women  reproved  for,  6  :  5,  6. 

Frivolous  maids,  how  flattered,  19  :  5. 
Froward  women,  ways  of,  19  :  23-25. 
Frowns  of  women  significant,  7  :  4. 
Future,  women  live  in,  8  :  u. 

General  statements  abhorred,  7  :  15. 
Generalities  to  be  avoided,  n  :  14. 
Gentleman,  I  thought  ikou  <wert  a,  13  :  62. 
when  woman  is  a,  17  :  2. 


CONCORDANCE 


urry 


Gifts,  how  to  receive,  8  :  2. 

how  women  obtain.  3  :  2-5. 

made  in  vain,  2  :  13. 

woman  gives  foolish,  6  :  18. 

Giving  a  woman  her  way,  i :  13. 
Glove,  mending  his,  5  :  18. 

soiled,  16  :  21. 

Goeth  fast  and  far,  woman,  17  :  7. 
Gooseberry,  man  used  as,  12  :  15. 
Gossip,  how  women  abhor,  11:3. 
Gum  in  hair,  women  like,  16  :  2. 

Ha  ha.,  when  I  will  say,  9  :  2. 
Hair,  gum  in,  16  :  2. 

Iha<ve  washed  myf  8  :  14. 

in  braids,  4  : 16. 

in  comb,  10  :  i. 

sign  of  differently  dressed,  15  : 13. 

Hairpin  loose,  n  :  25. 
Half-truths,  how  women  tell,  18  :  13-17. 
Hand  held  under  table,  5  :  13. 
Happy  till  satisfied,  women,  17  :  13. 
Hatpin,  hat  without,  4  :  6. 
Hats,  rotation  of,  16  :  19. 
Head,  heart  older  than,  17  :  10. 
Heart  older  than  head,  17  : 10. 
Heels,  runover,  16  :  22. 
Helpless,  doing  the,  13  :  21. 
Honesty,  irresistible  in  men,  17  :  14. 
Housewife,  how  flattered,  19  :  6. 
Humor,  love  made  with,  5  :  7. 

women  lacking  in,  2  :  10,  n. 

women's  sense  of,  n  :  13. 

Hurry,  women  hate  to,  14  :  8. 


CONCORDANCE 


I 


Husband  understands  women,  16  :  8. 

lean  trust  ihee,  J3  =  *4- 
Ice-cream  spilled  on  gown,  4:5. 
Imagination,  women's  lack  of,  2  :  7. 
Impertinence,  matron  desires,  17  13. 
Impossible,  women  demand  the,  6  :$. 

women  do  not  seek  the,  7  : 13. 

Inconsistency,  women's,  6  :  i. 
Indiscretion  despised,  4  :  5. 
—  uses  of,  13  :  60. 
Inevitable  remarks,  14  :  6,  7. 
Insatiable  things,  14  :  3,  4. 
Insult  made  of  compliment,  n  :  26. 
Introducing  contemporaries,  i  :  8. 
Irresistible  things,  17  : 14. 
I  shall  never  marry,  9:11. 
I  told  you  so/  9  :  i ;  20  : 14. 

Jaegers  sometimes  too  evident,  16  :  23. 

Jealousy,  pretended,  13  :  65. 

Jesting  at  love,  17  :  16 

Judgment,  woman  who  extolls  man's,  13  :  25. 

Kiss,  first,  comes  hard,  16  : 3. 

• repentance  after,  3  :  14,  15. 

how  fools,  14  :  14. 

rebuked,  14  :  14.  15. 

when  to  risk,  14  :  16. 

Kisses,  subjective  and  objective,  n  :  7. 
Kissing,  of  a  pair,  18  :  1-7. 

woman  who  has  ceased  from,  8  : 20. 

Kitchen,  women's  wiles  in,  13  :  26. 


Lace 


CONCORDANCE 


Machine-embroidered 


Lace,  cheap,  8:  ig. 
Laggard  lover,  5  :  1-4;  15:8. 
Laugh  when  she  laughs,  n  :  13. 
Letter,  a  wise  woman's,  5  : 17. 
Letters,  burned,  19  :  17. 

preserved,  6  : 19. 

shown  to  mother,  12  :  i. 

unsigned,  2  : 14. 

value  of  pleasing,  19  :  14. 

written  in  cipher,  2 : 15. 

Liars,  all  women  not,  12  :  n. 

Lie,  how  women,  6:9;  11:4;  10:19;  14 : 18 ;  18  : 16. 

when  honest  women,  14  : 18. 

Light  and  darkness,  deeds  of,  10 :  8. 
Line,  where  women  draw,  14  :  n. 
Lines  drawn  in  pleasant  places,  14 :  n. 
Lorgnon,  uses  of,  8  :  10. 
Lot's  wife,  7  : 17. 
Love  at  first  sight,  8  :  8. 

betrays  secrets,  19  :  9. 

calf,  married  women  best  for,  2  :  2. 

end  of,  2  :  21. 

how  men  make,  14  :  17. 

law  of,  5  :  9. 

last,  5  :  15. 

measured  by  memory,  17  :  u. 

previous,  not  to  be  told,  i  :  12. 

ten  signs  of  women's,  6  :  10-19. 

unrequited,  15  :  i,  2. 

when  women  jest  at,  17: 16. 

women  not  hurried  in,  14  :  8-10. 

women's  curiosity  in,  2  :  6. 


Machine-embroidered  waists,  8  : 19. 


CONCORDANCE 


i,  <woutd  I<were  !  13  :  35- 
Many  reasons,  a  sign  of,  19  :  10. 
Matrons,  how  flattered,  19  :  3. 
Measure  of  love,  n  :  12. 
Meeting,  to  remember  first,  i :  n. 
Memory  measure  of  love,  17  :  u. 
Mending  his  clothes,  13  :  36. 
Methuselah's   experience   with   women,  1:7;   2:1 

13:2;  17:5;  19:20. 
Mind,  woman's,  is  quick,  n  :  22. 
Misquoted  remarks,  i :  10. 
Missing  upper  step,  20  :  15. 
Mistaken,  stubborn  woman  oft,  19  : 16. 
Misunderstanding  women  delightful,  7  :  2. 
Moon,  absence  of,  unregretted,  20 :  5-7. 
Mother,  inquiring  about  his,  13  : 30. 

how  flattered,  19  :  7. 

of  a  genius,  4  :  n. 

prophecy  of  a  woman's,  5  : 19. 

Mouse,  woman  afraid  of,  6  :  3. 

like,  2:11;  10  :  n. 

Mucilage  brush  in  ink,  woman  like,  16 :  9. 
Mystery  held  dear  by  women,  17  : 14. 

Name,  women  never  satisfied  with,  14  :  5. 

Names,  pet,  13  : 18. 

Negligee,  sly  uses  of,  4  :  15. 

Nerves,  woman  with,  14  :  2. 

New  raiment,  to  notice  women's,  i :  u. 

Nose,  woman  hates  crooked,  2  :  20. 

Obstinacy  of  men  successful,  4:  12. 
Office,  interest  in  man's,  13  :  22. 
Oily  lover,  5  :  10. 


CONCORDANCE 


Olive,  first  kiss  like,  16  :  3. 
Omniscience,  woman's,  acquired,  10  :  4. 
Other  women,  not  to  mention,  8:9. 

Palmistry  pleasant  to  women,  4 :  2. 

Paradise,  woman's,  8: 12. 

Past,  woman  with,  2  :  14. 

Pencil,  women  cannot  sharpen,  2 : 12. 

Personal  relation,  how  established,  13  :  8. 

Persuaded,  when  women  can  be,  19:  10. 

Pet  names,  13  :  18. 

Pets  as  rivals  to  men,  g  :  9. 

Photograph,  asking  for  his,  13:28. 

how  women  use,  12  : 12-15. 

of  his  childhood,  6:13;  13  :  28. 

when  she  sees  your,  i :  15. 

women  never  satisfied  u  ith,  14  :  4. 

Pianist,  how  flattered,  19  :  6. 

Plain  damsel,  weapons  of,  7  :  10,  n. 

Platitudes  spoken  by  the  innocent,  n  :  10. 

Platonic  friendship,  9  :  1-7. 

Pleasant  places,  lines  drawn  in,  14 :  n. 

Points,  women  know  their  good,  n  :  17. 

Poker  game,  revelation  of,  19  : 19. 

Present,  man  lives  in  the,  8  :  n. 

Previous  loves  discredited,  n  :  5. 
not  to  be  told,  i  :  12. 

Promiscuousness  of  man,  10  :  13. 

Propinquity  teaches  discrimination,  2  :  3. 

Proposals,  how  women  extort,  13  :  66-68. 

Propose,  when  to,  15: 10,  n. 

Protection,  strategy  of,  13  :  10. 

Proximity  and  propinquity,  13  :  9. 

Prude  amongst  sports,  n  :8. 


CONCORDANCE 


Prudence  of  women,  7  :  14. 

Public  places,  women  not  to  be  shown  in,  2  :  18. 

Pullman,  women  in,  g  :  14. 

Quarrel,  value  of,  8:3. 

voluntarily  provoked,  13  :  46. 

women's  behavior  after,  17  :  2. 

Questions,  awkward,  4:7;  10  :  12-14  ;  16 :  i,  4. 

foxy,  15:5. 

important,  17  :  4. 

Raiment,  remembering  women's,  i  :  u. 

women  show  new,  6 : 12. 

Reason,  women  always  have  a,  2  : 4. 

women's  emotion  mother  of,  17  :  10. 

Receivers,  women  ready,  2: 13. 

Reform,  women  who  attempt  man's,  13  :  31. 

Refusal,  agony  of  women's,  6:2. 

Regularity  in  calls  to  be  avoided,  3  :  13. 

Remarks,  women's  inevitable,  8  :  15-17. 

Reproach,  women's,  13:62. 

Reproof,  value  of,  2  :  19. 

women  cannot  brook,  9  :  8. 

Retrospection,  women's,  7  : 17. 
Revelations  of  women  in  love,  4  :  14. 
Ring,  solitaire  moonstone,  16  :  17. 
Rival,  how  to  discover,  7  :  5. 

women  study,  n  :  18. 

Rivalry,  advantages  of,  13  :  56. 

women's,  15  :  7. 

Rubbers,  woman  anxious  about,  13  : 33. 

Saints,  woman  friend  worth  a  million,  12 :  n. 
Scrutiny  of  women,  women's,  8  :  18. 


Seashore 


CONCORDANCE 


Stubborn 


Seashore,  damsel  at,  14 :  8,  g ;  15:6. 
Seconds  only  won  by  craft,  5  : 14. 
Secrets,  and  signals,  12  :  5. 

establishing,  13  : 17. 

how  women  divulge,  2  :  7. 

like  Icose  tooth,  4  :  i. 

spitting  out,  in  wrath,  17  :  i. 

use  of,  i  :  14. 

when  to  hide,  7  :  8,  9. 

Sentiment  irresistible  in  man,  17  :  14. 
Shame,  cause  of  women's,  18  :  7. 
Shirt-waist  not  clean,  8  :  19. 

the  thin,  4  :  15. 

when  to  wear  black,  20  :  2. 

Shoes,  women  lie  about  size,  n  :  19. 
Shrew,  taming  of  a,  3  :  8-n. 
Sickness,  solicitude  anent,  13:37. 
Side  combs  loose,  n  :  25. 
Signs  of  undesirable  women,  9  :  12-15. 

women  in  love,  6  : 10-19. 

Silence,  value  of,  3  :  7 ;  4:4. 

Silly  damsels,  how  flattered,  19  :  2. 

Siphon,  flirtation  like,  2  :  21. 

Smiles  of  women  deceitful,  7  :  4. 

Snow,  a  woman  whiter  than,  17  :  2. 

Soft  lover,  5  : 10. 

Sport  amongst  prudes,  n  :  8. 

Squirm,  when  men  shall,  9  :  5. 

Started,  when  women  are  once,  17  :  17. 

Stocking,  hole  in,  16:22. 

Stone  on  hilltop,  women  like,  17  :  6. 

Strength,  women  admire  man's,  13  :  12. 

Struggle  provoked,  13:  61. 

Stubborn  women  often  mistaken,  19: 16. 


CONCORDANCE 


Subtle  man  provides  excuses,  17  :  15. 
Sugar,  woman  like  spilt,  4:9. 
Sure,  when  women  are  least,  19:  16. 

Talker,  loud,  16:2. 
Talking  of  himself,  19  :  12. 
Taste,  man's,  extolled,  13  :  45. 
Tardy  women,  20  :  15. 
Teasing  women  abhorred,  4:9. 
Telegrams,  women's,  8:13. 
Telephone,  women  at,  9  :  15. 
Telling  all  she  knows,  19  :  9. 
Theatre  ticket,  how  obtained,  3  :  5. 
Theatricals,  women  in  private,  6  :  9. 
Thoroughbred,  the,  16  :  16. 
Thoughts,  women's  untellable,  i :  15. 
Ticket  window,  women  at,  9  : 13. 
Trite  remarks  of  women,  8: 14-17. 
Trust,  woman  to,  12:4-7. 
Truth,  half  told  for  whole,  18  :  13-17. 

whole  taken  for  half,  u  :  24. 

Tooth,  secret  like  loose,  4  :  i. 
Towel,  woman  like  new,  16  :  i. 
Ta  Qjoque,  women's,  2  :  9. 
Twenty-four,  frivolity  of,  16  :  12. 
Twenty-three,  cynicism  of,  16  :  n. 
Typewriter,  deceptive  appearance  of,  15  :  4 

Unchaste  women,  how  treated,  8  :  5. 
Undemonstrative  women  deceptive,  15  :  8. 
Underwear,  solicitude  about,  13  :  33. 
Unknowable  things,  14:  i,  2. 
Unmarried  damsel,  experience  of,  17  :  16. 
Untellable  thoughts,  i :  15. 


UntelUble 


CONCORDANCE 


Vain,  women  think  men  are,  17  :  8. 
Vanity  of  men  taken  advantage  of,  3  : 2-5. 
to  be  curbed,  3  :  i. 

Waist  that  buttons  up  behind,  8  : 10. 

Washed  mine  hair,  I  have,  8:14. 

Way,  giving  a  maiden  her,  i  :  13. 

Wedding  in  haste,  15  :  12. 

Weep,  when  woman  does  not,  13  : 48. 

Weeping,  how  to  circumvent,  7  :  6. 

Wet  velvet,  woman  like,  2  :  n. 

White,  when  a  woman  is,  16 :  6. 

Wickedness  like  innocence,  19:23. 

Widow,  education  of,  4  :  8. 

Wiles,  complete  alphabet  of,  13  :  8-68. 

of  foxy  maidens,  20  :  1-8. 

Wise  women,  how  flattered,  19:  2,  5. 

how  treated,  8 : 5. 

women's  letters,  5  :  17. 

Witful  men's  love-making,  5  :  5-8. 
Witty  women,  how  flattered,  19  :  5. 
Wooing,  women  never  satisfied  with,  14:  4. 
Would  l^toere  a  man  I  13  :  35. 
Wrong  woman  exasperating,  4  :  6. 
Writing,  women's  in  magazines,  2  :  7. 

You,  when  she  calls  you,  19  :  n. 


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